Thursday, June 2, 2011

Life Lessons: Cher Horowitz Style

Josh: What are the chances of you shutting up before you get your way?

Cher: Mmmm.... Slim to none. Come on!

This is essentially the summation of my interaction with anyone, ever.

In case you missed it, Clueless was on back to back last night on Oxygen.
As I sat in my pajamas watching it the first time through, I had the usual mid-90s reminiscent thoughts: I can't believe this movie came out a decade and a half ago, I can't believe Cher Horowitz turned out to be a hippy vegan, I can't believe Josh ended up being mega-hottie Dad, Paul Rudd, and most importantly- how can I bring back stellar quoteables like "as if!" and "I'm totally buggin?"

It wasn't until midway through the second viewing, as I got sucked up into a vacuum of knee high socks, 90's alt-rock, misused $5 words, and Buns of Steel, that I realized how greatly Clueless actually influenced my life. I mean first and foremost, it taught me some of the harshest names I've ever called a girl: a Monet, and a virgin who can't drive. But that's just child's play compared to the serious shit Clueless taught me.

There are quite a few basic beliefs I learned from Clueless at a very young age that I still hold on to (somewhat unknowingly) today:

1. Always befriend the new kid. They could end up being super cool and knowing lots of interesting things, like jingles.

2. Real World and Ren + Stimpy are totally acceptable television programs. The only time you actually have to watch the news is when you're trying to impress a boy.

3. "It is one thing to spark up a doobie and get laced at parties, but it is quite another to be fried all day."

4. Suck & Blow and all other party games are a good way to make out with cute boys and not have to talk about it later.

5. Never trust boys with names like Elton (also under this category- Asher, Brock, Geoff, Blake) because they'll leave you in the Valley in a super fancy designer dress just because you "insisted." (I'm basically just assuming the Valley is the LA equivalent of Park Slope.)

6. The Mighty Mighty Bostones are fucking rad.

7. Makeovers, both inside and out, are good for the soul.

8. Even if you're saddled with a name like Cher (or Carmen) you can still overcome it to achieve the ever elusive high school popularity.

9. "You see how picky I am about my shoes and they only go on my feet." Actually an awesome mantra when picking boys. If you're going to spend months looking for the perfect winter boot, you can't expect the perfect winter boy to fall into your lap. It ain't gonna be easy, and it ain't gonna be the first dude you find at DSW.

10. Saving yourself for Luke Perry only lasts until you fall for a gay man, or realize your step brother is insanely hot and readily doable

11. The TV Remake is never as good as the original. Need I say more?

12. 95% of all attractive, single men are gay. See: Christian.

13. Even if you think you can't dance, do it anyway. Dance like you don't give a fuck. Even if (especially if) it's going to later be overdubbed to the tune of some serious death metal.

14. Driving on the expressway is mad hard. But if worst comes to worst and you almost get hit by a truck, after you're done you and your boyfriend totes won't be virgins anymore. I never really figured out the logic behind it, but Cher said it so it must be true.

And most importantly:

15. 90's Alt Rock is now and will forever be my favorite genre of music.


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