Tuesday, August 30, 2011

On Fighting Baby Fever

This is me. With a baby.
This is me. Resisting the urge to run away with the baby.
hahahahahahahaha Just kidding. Not really. Kind of. Not at all.

It's weird. And I know this makes me a horrible person for even verbalizing (typealizing?........ uhhh, writing, dumbass) it, but since when are babies so cute? They weren't always this cute, right? Like, they used to cry more and be more annoying, right? Because for the past year or so, babies have become the cutest, most adorable, loveliest, most super duper precious thing in the world to me. I just want to steal them all and have a house of babies. (That plan is obviously not thought all the way through. One house can only hold so many cribs. I'll obviously need at least two houses.) I can remember a time, that I now refer to as The Golden Age, when I couldn't have cared less about babies. They were just these little half people that were around and that I loved because they were family, but not that I wanted to like hang out with and have one sided conversations with.

Lately, babies are my jam. I would go as far as to say that I like babies as much as I like Nicki Minaj's "Super Bass." WHAAAAT! Yeah, I said it. That's a lot of liking!! At first I was in a panic about this whole baby obsession when it first kicked in. It was like I was being drawn to them. I was all "WTF is going on, Nemrac?" (Nemrac is what I call myself sometimes because it's the only way I can talk to myself without feeling crazy. It's Carmen backwards. You're dumb if you needed me to spell that out for you. So you're all dumb? Cool.) Then I realized, I'm not 16 anymore, as much as I wish I was and sometimes tell bouncers I am to see if they'll actually card me. Alas, I am 23, and I look 23. See, this funny thing happens. This ticking kicked in. It's the ticking of my m-f-ing biological clock. And you can't even hear it, which is total bull. Like, if it planned on jump starting and messing up my existence, the least it could do is give me a warning, a nice little tap on the shoulder, or at the very least a punch in the face. But this here thing called a vagina, or a uterus, or fallopian tubes, or something down there, has gone and made me all baby crazy. It's a part of life. If your body didn't tell you human babies were the cutest thing since panda babies, then who knows if any of us would even bother to get preggers. I mean, pushing a watermelon out of a pee hole? No thank you. Bundle of joy and adorableness? Yes please!

So babies are cute. That's my new way of life. Loving babies. But this new found love comes with all this baggage. The baggage of actually wanting a baby. And as much as I think I'm awesome 100% of the time, no guy wants a girl who asks him if he'll be the father of her children on their first date. (Not that I know from experience or anything. I mean....) So if you're like me and nowhere near ready to have a baby, or simply unable to find someone to give you said baby, you need coping mechanisms to deal with the baby-obsession. Here are some that have been mildly successful for me:

1. Remember you're too young. No matter how old you are. Age is just a number! Do you still watch What I LIke About You reruns in the morning? Me too. Ok, you're too young to have a baby.
2. Think about babies on planes. Even if you don't travel a lot, you miiiiiight one day. That's what we tell ourselves anyway. But hey, that trip to Belize that you've been wanting to take? Sans baby, that trip is A LOT easier.
3. Remember how much you like getting drunk. You can't be drunk at noon on a weekend if you've got a baby. Plus- 9 months of no drinking? Gah, I need a beer just thinking about it.
4. You're not ready to wear Mom Jeans yet!!!!!
5. You're a pathetic loser who can't even get a date. What makes you think you'll ever be able to find a dude to actually get you pregnant? Keep dreamin' sister.
6. Again, I repeat: no alcohol for 9 months.
7. Your kid would probably turn out to be dork with no friends who doesn't like sunlight. Or a total bitch who, even though you named her Forest Raindrop, goes by Tiffani.
8. This was supposed to be a 10 item list, but my friend just called me over to babysit. If I come back with a baby- NO JUDGEMENT. I've said it before and I'll say it again, damn it. This is a judgement free blog!!!!!
~***Smooches and baby handprints***~
carmen

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