Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Professional BFF- Part One

So I have this idea. It sounds weird at first, but give it a chance..... I want to be a Profesional BFF.
Are you still reading? Good. The way I see it, being a Professional BFF is the job I've been put on this Earth to do. The only snag in my plan is that it's not a job... yet. But first let me tell you why being a Professional BFF would be the best job ever, and why, more importantly, I'm the girl for the job. Then we'll figure out the whole getting paid thing.

I think truly great friends are hard to come by. I'm not talking great friends that will like go to the movies with you on a Saturday and pretend to care when you go on and on for 20 minutes about this crazy dream you had last night. I'm talking about an in the trenches BFF that will tell you when you've got a major muffin top, and will hold your hair back for you after twelve too many jello shots. The girl who won't judge you when you want to make out with a guy because he says he robbed a bank and it'll make a good story. The girl that stands next to you for three hours waiting in line for the new Twilight movie. And most importantly, she's always down to hit a gay bar with you and just dance it out to some Gaga.

I am the girl that does all of these things for my existing BFFs!!! (And let me tell you, I've never been more proud of myself as a human being than when I was holding my friend's hair back mid-vom.) It brings me endless happiness to be the person anyone would think to call in a moment of crisis or celebration. I get a moment of "EEEE!!!" when I get a text saying "Are you up? I need to talk." I know that's kind of sick. Who am I kidding? It's completely warped and twisted and I should probably go to therapy. But I just get so genuinely excited to be someone's go to person. Whether it's for advice, a shoulder to cry on, venting, or a night out on the town, I love being there. And not to toot my own horn, but I think I'm pretty good at it. (TOOT TOOT!)

I mean, my advice is totes dead on. Like, what would you say to someone who thinks her BF might be cheating on her? Well, an untrained but skilled professional like myself would tell her to hack into his FB, check his messages, and stalk any girl who has ever written on his wall or has a name like Stacey, or Candi, or Becky. I mean, that's like the basics of giving advice on relationships- when in doubt... stalk. If that doesn't turn up anything, look at his text messages. Don't be fooled by names either, Doug is totally a girl. And so is Anthony. He's obviously just putting girls in his phone under fake dude's names just to fool you. DUH! Doug is totally Diane, and Anthony is Andrea. Don't let the talk of sports and beer confuse you either. That's code too. YOU JUST HAVE TO CRACK THE CODE!

Ok but for real. I do actually give bomb advice. With some LOLz mixed in. This is a job I need to have. I mean it's what I'm best at! Isn't that what we're supposed to make a career out of?! Just look at Coco. Genius. I'm not kidding in any way when I say that. JEAN-YUS! Well now that you're obviously convinced that I'm a perfect BFF, we just have to figure out how I can make money off of it. I mean a BFF relationship is one of the most sacred there is. Adding money into the mix complicates it immeasurably. How can I ask someone to pay me for genuine compassion and concern? And for giggle sessions?!!

Tune in next time, where I'll fill you in on my genius business plan (that I don't have yet) for my Professional BFF business.


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