Thursday, September 22, 2011

On Home- One Month Later

As of tonight, I've officially been an Ohio resident for a month. The morning of August 22nd, I waved (sobbed) goodbye to New York and by midnight that night, I embraced the Midwest. It's bizarre- I feel like I've been here for years, but I also feel like I just left New York. The more I think about it the more freaked out I get. In all honesty, I still can't believe I don't live in New York. I went six years thinking of myself as a New Yorker, and I'm just... not anymore. I just can't believe I don't get off the 1st Ave subway stop and walk home every day. And that I probably never will again. As weird as that is, I'm also completely happy here. This just fits. But I also miss my friends an overwhelming amount. I mean, I guess that's being an adult. Being able to be completely happy and completely sad at the same time.

The truth is, if I wake up in six months, look in the mirror and say "I've made a huge mistake" I'm actually totally okay with that. That sounds crazy, I know. But seriously. I think that just because we make decisions at a certain point in our lives doesn't mean we're stuck with that decision forever. (Exceptions- babies and marriage. Obvi.) Just because I moved to Ohio doesn't mean I can't explore other places in the future. That's actually a huge part of why I left New York. It's so much easier to pick up and move somewhere with Ohio as my home base, than it would be from New York. That being said, I could also end up living here indefinitely. The job market kind of blows though, so I don't know about that. If I'm being honest, my heart tells me I'll end up in Ann Arbor eventually. 30 minutes (if I'm driving fast) from home, and enough of an art scene for me to not constantly be the weirdest person in the room. But I have the rest of my life to live there. I'm happy where I'm at for now.

It's a strange feeling- to not be able to see a year into the future. I'm a person who grew up wholeheartedly believing I always knew what was coming next. The funny thing is, I was mostly right. I really thought I would go to NYU. I really thought I would work at Atlantic Records. And then I really thought I would move home. And so I did. I absolutely don't have it 100% figured out. I like to act like I do, but I so don't. To go from wanting to take over the music industry to completely jumping ship- that's not something I really saw coming. It was a controversial decision, that's for sure. It's not that I am totally dead set against being involved in the music industry- I haven't decided one way or the other. But I do know that I never want to come that close again to losing sight of why I love music in the first place. See, I never really was any good at telling people how to make their music better. At least I don't think I was. I have entirely too much respect for artists being artists. Who am I to tell you how to make your music better? I know what I would do differently, but who cares? What I know I've always been good at is loving music. Like really really loving it. Obsession love. Then taking that love and doing something about it- sharing it with people, trying to make it a success, doing everything I can to get other people to be just as obsessed with it. If there were a job where I could just professional love & share music, I'd do that. If there were a job where I could write all day about how Death Cab for Cutie's Transatlanticism changed my life, I'd do it in a heartbeat. But alas, there's no posting for that on Craigslist... A lot of times I feel like Lloyd Dobbler from Say Anything. Not in the way that he's super dreamy and in love with Diane Court. (I am both of those things, but that's not what this blog is about.) But mainly what he had to say about his future career:

"I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that."

It's supposed to make him look naive, idealistic and young. I could probably be categorized as all three of those things. I don't totally agree with him, but I totally see where he's coming from. But the person who has probably put it into perspective best for me is my brother Shane. He explained it as such- "You have to decide what kind of person you are. Do you want to work to live or live to work?" I think I thought of myself for a very long time as a person who lived to work. Now, I'm leaning more in the work to live direction. It's no crime to admit that I want a life! I want to be surrounded by my family when I have a family. I want to be happy. Happy happy happy. That's my #1 priority.

So will I start my own record label after I graduate from business school? Maybe. Maybe not. Will I permanently say goodbye to the music industry forever? Maybe. Maybe not. Will I move back to New York and pick up where I left off? Probably not. Will I continue writing throughout it all, no matter what? Probably. All I really know is that I really don't know. I think we're a generation of know it alls who don't know anything. So I'm standing up and readily admitting it! I sincerely have no idea what the next few years look like for me, let alone the next 30. But I'm really excited to see what happens. I'm entirely optimistic.

I feel like this post is meandering. It probably is. But I'm not going to go back and edit it. You know why? 1. I'm lazy and I don't want to, and 2. This is 100% how I'm feeling. If I edit, I think it's going to lose the essence of my perspective right now.

One final thought- Can't I just fast forward to the part of my life where I can retire and watch Golden Girls and Judge Judy all day? Is that so much to ask?!?!

carmen

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