Friday, September 23, 2011

Top 5 Adult Contemporary Songs I Love That I Probably Shouldn't

When it comes to embarrassment, I've always tried to be the kind of person who doesn't embarrass easily. I don't know if I've succeeded entirely, but I know I have when it comes to my music taste. If I love a horrible soccer Mom artist, I'm absolutely the first person to admit it without an ounce of shame. I get that continuing to listen to the Spice Girls into my 20s actually makes me uncool. Okay, Mom?! I got your note. I'LL TURN IT DOWN. But it's not just the Spice Girls for me, because at least they were cool. And now it's kind of like "LOL I still listen to the Spice Girls because I can't grow up and wish I was still 10-years-old." But then there's music that's just grossly embarrassing. Like, I know that since I claim to have awesome music taste (I DO, DON'T RAISE YOUR EYEBROWS AT ME LIKE I DON'T!!! MY MUSIC TASTE IS IMPECCABLE!) I shouldn't love uncool music. I mean, there's cheesy 101.5 The River music that I absolutely HATE and make fun of all the time. Calling all Fleetwood Mac fans! Guess what? They suck. Oh and U2? Their music makes me want to shoot my ear off just so I can avoid hearing it. And don't even get me started on Coldplay. UGH. See!! It's not all Adult Contemporary/soccer Mom music! I mean, then there's the AC music that had elements of cool to it. Like the Counting Crows, Tori Amos and Norah Jones. No one makes fun of that stuff. BECAUSE IT'S ARTSY AND COOL. That's not what we're dealing with here. We're dealing with deeply dorky tunes that your friends would seriously judge you for. It's not like I occasionally listen to embarrassing music. No. I'm talking about turning the volume all the way up and screaming these lyrics at the top of my lungs. And sometimes even dancing. Yes... there's dancing. If you're thinking it's a sporadic thing, that would make you, my dear friend, oh so wrong. This is an every other day to daily event. Oh you'd better believe I've got my favorites of my favorites. My embarrassing love of embarrassing music runs embarrassingly deep. Let's dive into the deep end.

5. The Partridge Family- I Think I Love You- Otherwise known as their entire discography. I don't really think I had a choice in the matter. My Mom was kind of obsessed with the Partridge Family, and I was sort of forced to love them, too. And by forced I obviously mean that once I knew they drove around in a big multicolored trippy ass bus. If you think drugs weren't involved in this family getup, gurl you cray cray. My favorite part of singing this song is totally being that echoey high pitched background voice in the chorus. Also, it's totally my fantasy to bring a horrible date to a karaoke bar and sing this song to him. I can think of no better way to get rid of a weirdo guy. Out-weird the weird.

4. Celine Dion- It's All Coming Back To Me Now- Growing up, Celine Dion probably had more to do with my music taste than I would care to admit. Her album Falling Into You is probably one of the first CDs I remember owning. Yeah that and blink-182's Enema of the State. One of these things is not like the other. As far as theatrics go, it doesn't get much better than this song. It just makes me want to wrap myself in organza while I run from one corner of my room to the other. Not that I've ever done that before or anything. I actually have a vivid memory of belting this song in my best faux deep Celine Dion voice in the mirror, and in the middle my Mom knocking on the door and totally ruining the mood. I was having a moment, okay?! That was totally a decade ago- not last week. Why, what have you heard?

3. Mariah Carey- One Sweet Day- I'm a gay man. Okay?! I said it. There, I'm out. I'm secretly a gay man and I LOVE Mariah Carey and Cher. Since when is that a crime?! Mariah Carey speaks to me on a very personal level. A gay level. Her high pitched annoying riffs just cut to my core. You know how you sit around and think about what your funeral will be like one day? No? Not at all? I'm the only one? Well, okay but you guys should really invest some time into planning your own funeral. You'll all be thanking me when I die. It'll be easy peasey. I'd like to go on record and state that this is the song I want played as they bring my casket down the aisle. Well this and JLO and JaRule's "I'm Real" because I'll be real... real dead. HEYO!

2. Sheryl Crow- Leaving Las Vegas- Otherwise known as the entirety of Tuesday Night Music Club. God, I tried to make Sheryl Crow cool for so long. After a while, it got really exhausting. Look, as a five-year-old girl, I think attempting to convince my older brothers that she was cool was a solid effort. They were like the only people I knew. But I'm ashamed to admit that I failed miserably. She's just not cool. I'm okay with that. Because you know what she actually is? AWESOME. You may not see it. Lots of people might make fun of me for loving her. But love her I do. There's nothing quite like singing this song while pretending I'm actually badass enough to have lived in Las Vegas in the first place, and messed up enough to have a reason to leave. I'm none of these things. But thanks to Sheryl Crow, I've successfully been pretending I am since I was a wee little child. Thanks, bitch!

1. Bette Midler- Wind Beneath My Wings- Seriously, do I need to explain this one to you guys? IT'S BETTE MIDLER!!!!! She's the Mother of embarrassing music, and God I love her for it. My first exposure to this song came through the movie that shaped my idea of both beaches and friendship- Beaches. I could literally just start thinking about that movie and instantly cry. It's kind of not okay. A sadder movie has never been written. (That's not a provable fact, but just go with it.) When I sing this song by myself, I like to pretend that I'm fabulous enough to be the friend that gets all the attention like Bette Midler in Beaches and I just lost my BFF who was totally the wind beneath my proverbial wings, but it's okay because I get to keep her kid. My dance moves usually involve a lot of airplanes and soft sobs. I seriously believe I deserve an Oscar for the acting work I do alone in my bedroom.

After you read this, please go out and listen to some awesomely embarrassing music. It's embarrassing because it's awesome. It's awesome because it's embarrassing. It's a vicious circle of self-hatred and overly dramatic crescendos. Embrace it.


1 comment:

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