Sunday, September 4, 2011

Top 5 Reasons Being on your Period Blows

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WARNING: THIS IS A GRAPHIC POST. IF YOU HAVE A WIENER, OR ARE GROSSED OUT BY GIRLS TALKING ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS DURING THAT SPECIAL TIME OF THE MONTH- AVERT YOUR EYES.

Look, it's no secret that us girls hemorrhage from between our legs once a month. It's not pretty, and it is honestly an all around drag for everyone. There isn't a single part of it that is fun. It's not "cool." It doesn't make me any closer to having a baby. In fact, it means that yet another egg has wondered off into the abyss, never to create the most perfect baby ever. (My baby, DUH.) So really, every period just brings me closer and closer to the inevitability of my future: being a cat lady.
I'm not the sort of person that can take my period in stride, either. I'm miserable, and pretty much down to sleep the whole time. Well, except for when I'm waking up to eat Taco Bell. That's a necessity. The sleeping I can handle (or love) but the rest of this shit, no thank you.

5. Feeling fat- Ugh, fat, bloated, disgusting, All of the above. Feel it the whole time. Amirite?! Not into that. I mean, if I feel fat because I had two large fries and a large vanilla milkshake from McDonalds (come on bro, like I haven't), then I'll deal with the grossness. At least I got something out of it. This bloody mess? Not down.

4. Going to the bathroom constantly- I pee a lot anyway (Diet Coke Addict, and proud.) But during that special time of the month, I'm like Kris Jenner this past season in Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Not in that I have actual urinary incontinence (she does!) but I feel like I spend the entirety of my period in the bathroom. I'm just not my normal self, and I hate it. Sitting through a movie? Risky business. Sitting through a class? Could be dangerous. I just want to be a normal kid! I JUST WANT TO WEAR WHITE AND NOT WORRY ABOUT IT!!

3. No sexy times- I'm not going to explain this one. You get it. I know some people would be all "no omg you still can" and to that I say, "I will vomit on you." I know blood is all sexy now because of True Blood but you're not a vampire and neither am I, dude. Back up off me.

2. Mood Swings/General Sucky Attitudeness- I'm pretty much the worst human being in the world when I'm on my period. I don't want to get up and go anywhere, and if you suggest I should, I might hit you. I just want to wallow in my pain and focus on the shedding of my uterine lining. THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID IT.

1. BLEEDING FROM BETWEEN YOUR LEGS- That's the worst part about it. Period. End of story. (Pun intended.) I don't want to mince words here, so listen (read) closely. The fact that women bleed from between their legs every month and survive basically means we're superhuman. It means we are magic and all the dudes of the world should bow down and realize they're inferior. I mean, we can grow other humans in our bodies! Come on, people. If that isn't a superhero, I don't know what is. While it's certainly a mutant ability, it also isn't fun. With that magic comes great responsibility... Bloody responsibility.
So guys, next time we tell you we're on our period, be nice and fearful. We're superhumans, kid.
carmen

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