Sunday, September 18, 2011

Top 5 Situations In Which I Obvi Have Tourettes

I talk a lot. Anyone who has ever met me probably knows this fact. I say nice things, funny things, stupid things, sometimes vaguely intelligent things, but a lot of what I say could most likely be categorized as either annoying or offensive. I'm okay with those labels, to be perfectly honest. I mean, 95% of the time I just say whatever's in my head, mainly because it's funny. The other 5% of the time is when I'm either around old people or babies and I have to watch my shit. So I'm no stranger to being called rude or insulting. I usually own up to it and embrace the offensive nature of my humor. But then there are other times- scary times- when shit just FLIES out of my mouth and I can't stop it. It's like, I know I need to shut up and no one wants to hear what I'm saying, but I just can't help it. It's called Carmen Tourettes. Word vomit, if you will.

5. When anyone brings up the Kardashians- This occurrence is pretty rare, especially because most people who know me know how much I live for the Kardashians, in a totally un-ironic way. I literally will defend them to the death. I don't care what anyone else thinks about them. GOT IT?! I just want to spend my days watching Khloe & Lamar, and trying to talk like them. If you bring them up in casual conversation, the night's done. I'll go on that topic for hours. Do you want to know who designed Khloe's wedding dress? Or why Kourtney and Scott aren't married yet? Yeah, I got you.

4. When a remotely good song that comes on the radio- I could be anywhere. But if a song I've ever heard before and semi-like comes on the radio, I absolutely lose my shit. The exact sentence that comes out of my mouth is something like "GAAAAAASP! OMGOMGOMGOMG YOU GUYS! I LOVE THIS SONG!!! LIKE, REMEMBER THIS SONG, GUYS!?!??!" The person who's driving automatically thinks we're about to die based on my initial gasp and continued freak out. As soon as they realize I'm freaking out over the radio, they usually turn it off and yell at me. I'm used to it, don't worry about it. The part that doesn't make sense to me is that it could be any song. I've gotten freak out stoked over Barry Manilow's "Mandy" before. Don't get me wrong, I'm totally a Fanilow, and proud of it- but most people aren't. Seriously. Imagine everyone else in the car's let down when they not only realized we weren't about to be hit by a semi-truck, but also that it's Manilow. I can't help it. I love EVERY song.

3. When anything at all goes wrong with my computer- This is probably the most literal of my personal forms of Tourettes. When something goes wrong with Photoshop, Firefox, Typepad, Twitter- anything I use on a regular basis- my mouth goes straight to hell. Every swear word that's ever been invented just spews from my mouth. Just glorious combinations of words that weren't originally meant to go together, forming a verbal ear assault on everyone around me. I can't even control it. But when Photoshop is shitting the bed, I just really lose it. Some people get upset about, like, real problems. For me, it's technology.

2. When anybody anywhere insults The Patriots, The Red Sox, University of Michigan, Tom Brady, etc- When someone insults my teams, I tend to go a little apeshit. It seriously can't be controlled. I get crazy mad and just start saying stuff that makes no sense. I wish I were the kind of person that could calmly and coherently defend my favorite teams. But I'm just not. When the Jets beat the Pats in the Super Bowl, I seriously wish I could have taken the loss better. But when I saw Jets fans the things that came out of my mouth were atrocious. "Yeah, well who had the perfect season, butthole? YEAH! We did. Until you guys beat us. BUT YEAH! PERFECT SEASON!" I'm embarrassing.

1. When I see someone with a flip phone- I probably hate myself the most for this one. It's TOTALLY uncontrollable. I if I see someone with any sort of flip phone/Nokia brick phone situation, I MUST comment on it. I can't just let it slide. Nope. That would be too polite. I literally flip my shit on it, too. "WHAT IS THAT? IS THAT A FLIP PHONE? DO YOU KNOW WHAT YEAR IT IS?!?!? HOW DO YOU MANAGE WITH THAT THING? LIKE- IS THERE INTERNET ON THAT?... YOU CAN'T GET EMAILS ON IT??!??!??! HOW TO YOU SURVIVE?!... Ok, I'll leave you alone now." Seriously, it's 100% of the time offensive and rude. I wish I knew how to stop. I know it's a really stuck-up view to think that everyone in the world should have a Smart Phone. I can intellectually understand that. But when I see a dude at a bar whip out his Chocolate from 2005, I can't not comment. I mean, who am I? If you open yourself up for the hit, I'm going to have to take it. That's just the nature of the beat, here.

So please, help spread the word. Carmen Tourettes is ruining lives. For as little as ten cents a day, you can help a child who is needlessly suffering from Carmen Tourettes. This rare form of word vomit is spreading quickly. Do your part to help. Call today.


  1. LOL I can totally relate to #3, I start swearing like a sailor when technology fails.

  2. i don't know what it is about technology failing that turns me into a different person! soooo frustrating. but at least it works 95% of the time!


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