Sunday, October 16, 2011

The Time I Updated My iPhone and Almost Killed Myself

Technology issues make me a crazy person. Because I know this about myself, I try to keep my technology ship smooth sailing. This involves rarely installing updates on anything, and never shutting down my computer. I figure, the less you fuck with stuff, the less likely it is to fuck up. Logical, right? My old IT guy at work basically thought I was the devil. I still maintain that I'm not, but I guess it's up for debate. I'd be willing to hear him out.

This whole week, everyone's been going on and on and on about the new iPhone system update for the iPhone 4. This, obviously, automatically made me very nervous. Should I stay true to my resistant ways or go with the masses and the geniuses at Apple and update my shit? I decided to take babysteps. I never said I was that adventurous, okay? I'll eat a habanero pepper if you dare me to, but I'm not going to wear Uggs in public. You know? You totally get what I mean. So I went with updating my iTunes first- something I haven't done since I got this computer almost a year ago. Not to be insulting to Steve Jobs (RIP) but I totes couldn't even tell the difference post-update. But the whole experience was relatively easy. I clicked update, and guess what it did? UPDATED!!! Crazy, right? I was feeling pretty pumped. Maybe system updates aren't that bad. I was feeling great.
That feeling disappeared rather quickly.

Post-iTunes update, I clicked to update my iPhone system. But since I'm a 6-year-old, I fell asleep while it was updating because apparently my bedtime is 10:30pm. So mid-sleep, I shut my computer- not even thinking about the fact that my iPhone was mid-update. Kill me. When I woke up an hour later, my phone was all "Guuuuurl, you fucked me up!" and I was all "Whaaaaat? Bitch, I treat you like a lady all day every day. And I make one mistake and you flip your shit?! Have some decorum!" I unplugged my iPhoneand restarted iTunes. When I replugged back in and restarted, I held out hope everything might still work out. But then this message came up that said my iPhone would have to be reset, then updated. It was my only option, so I went with it. (Funnily enough, that same statement applies to pretty much every guy I've ever dated, too.) When it finished resetting, my little ol' computer informed me that the update failed. Having the word "Failed" pop up on your computer is soul-crushing. My heart started racing as I picked up myiPhone, just to discover that my biggest fear (EVER, just behind Keeping Up With The Kardashians being cancelled) had been realized- everything... everything on my iPhone was gone. I was so upset, I didn't even cry. I just started panicking and hyperventilating. All of my pictures, all of my apps, all of my contacts were just gone. I didn't know what to do.

Once something technologically goes wrong, all rational thought is just gone. I started thinking about how I would get my contacts back. Facebook post? Ew. Facebook group?... What if no one posts their number on the wall? Well okay, it looks like my contacts are gone forever. What about my pictures? They're not in my iPhoto. No gettin' them suckers back. My mind was just racing with horrible thoughts. Losing everything on my phone seriously felt like the end of my life. Then I restarted iTunes, with a tinge of hope that it would somehow help. I don't want to brag, but I think I'm a genius, because restarting iTunes totally worked! This little screen popped up that said resetting had failed, and it wanted to try again. And try again, it did. After that, it installed the update. I was still terrified to look at my phone once it was all said and done, but I decided to rip the proverbial band-aid off. I let out a wail of relief when I turned my phone on to discover my pictures, contacts and apps all in their rightful places. I don't think I've ever experienced that level of happiness before. Just absolute joy and shock that Apple is smart enough to fix itself. It recognized that it hadn't finished the task successfully and went in and restarted the process. Or, as I like to think of it, it heard me freaking out and decided to fix itself.

As much as I'm insanely happy with the fact that my iPhone is up and running with the new system update, I'm utterly embarrassed at my reaction to the whole situation. Who thinks the world is coming to an end when their phone craps out? Who wants to fling themselves from the nearest skyscraper because they lost all the contacts on their phone? Who seriously considers staging events to recapture photos from their phone? I'm a bucket of crazy, obviously. I could try to fight it, or I could embrace this quirk in my person. Technology failing makes me cuckoo. I am who I am.

Thank you, Apple, for making spectacular products that don't even fail when they "fail."


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