Saturday, October 29, 2011

Top 5 Reasons I'm Going To Die Single

Most people who know me now, know me a single person. I've had a handful of relationships in my life, but most of the serious ones were years ago. What can I say- it's hard to have a serious relationship when you're working 70 hour weeks. But those days are behind me now, and I (hypothetically) could actually have an adult relationship. But I probably won't, and it's not just because I refuse to share the power. (This is that awkward moment when everyone reading thinks I'm referring to the power and control in a relationship, but I'm really referring to what normal people call a remote control. Tell me it doesn't make sense to call it the power. It does, doesn't it? All the power in the world, in one little device. Plus it turns things on and off, thus where we, as children, oh so cleverly came up with the name. Kids are dumb.)
The list of reasons that I'm single is long and boring. But these are the top 5 of the best (worst.)

5. On the last first date I went on, I wore bathing suit bottoms as underwear- Seriously. I did. And it felt totally normal, which is probably the worst part. The whole "wearing bathing suit bottoms as undies" thing isn't actually that rare of an occurrence for me. I would guesstimate that I have anywhere between 50-70 pairs of underwear. No exaggeration. I really don't like doing laundry, so collecting undies like some people collect stamps just makes good sense. But I somehow still always end up running out of undies before I can convince myself to do laundry. Enter: bathing suit bottoms. Like, how pathetic do you have to be to wear undergarments that are meant to be worn at the pool, on a date? Who does that? It's like asking to be dropped off at the end of the night without an awkward kiss. I'm pretty sure I smelled like chlorine. I think before I can commit to a person, I need to commit to my underwear first.

4. I talk about poop and farts... to guys- I wish I didn't. I really do. But somehow, poop always comes up. Not in a serious way, but in a joke or a funny comment. You know what? Still doesn't make it okay. Poop's not hot. It's not attractive in any way. A girl talking about poop? Really not attractive. I have a horrible habit of asking people if they just pooped right when they come back from the bathroom. I think it's funny! And it makes people feel awkward! That's pretty much my ultimate goal in life, so it makes sense, really. But from guys I usually get a laugh, and then I see their eyes wander off and I can hear their inner monologue- "That's funny. But wait- did she just ask me that? Does she actually have a penis? Girls don't talk about poop. GIRLS DON'T POOP! I should leave." It's either that or, "How did she know?"

3. Two nights ago, I made a fake Ok Cupid account and sat on Skype with one of my BFFs making fun of people- Also, I'm going to hell. I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry! It was fun, damn it. You really have no idea what kind of looney toons are on Ok Cupid until you actually sit there and sift through them. That's not to say that there aren't normal guys on the site, but if you're looking for weirdos, that's exactly what you'll find. Fun fact: guys think typing in all caps and omitting punctuation is really cool. It just looks like you're yelling at me without taking a breath, man. But like, honestly making fun of people on Ok Cupid is the most fun I've had in a while. That's, like, an ideal night for me. God, I really am dying alone.

2. I have far too much secret single behavior (SSB)- I first heard of SSB on an episode of Sex & The City. As soon as I heard Carrie defining the term, I realized my life is choc full of SSB- the stuff you do at home when no one else is around. My life in New York was pretty much a big long series of SSBs. Eating pizza on my couch in my undies, drinking beer and watching Teen Mom reruns. No guy wants to see that. I will admit that since moving to Ohio, my SSB has diminished greatly, but there's only so much a girl can change. I like to carve out some portion of time every day to listen to music, sing to myself and convince myself I'm a good singer. (I'm practically tone deaf.) I like to stay up until 2am Googling the life story of Cher. I will watch the same episode of Grey's Anatomy three times in the same week, and get really happy when I can quote the final monologue. I talk to myself literally all day. I have conversations with myself- arguments with myself. It's sad. I'm not saying I'm proud of it, but I'm saying I'm not ready to say goodbye to my SSB.

1. The fact that I'm writing this list- It really says it all. The fact that I find the fact that I'm going to die single totally amusing really just makes it a self fulfilling prophecy. At best, I'm going to meet a wonderful gentlemen and fall in love. Then he'll read this blog post and realize that I'm certifiably insane. Even if I've nipped the whole talking about poop on our first date thing in the bud, he'll still know that's who I was at some point. He'll try to check my Netflix


  1. the bathing suit as undies thing, I bet a guy wouldn't even know the difference! but yeah, the poop and fart talk, that turns 'em off pretty fast, as I've learned, hah

  2. I really enjoyed this post, but I think that's because I'm a narcissistic jerk.

  3. I found your blog via Scathingly Brilliant and this post confirmed that you are definitely my new favorite blogger<3 I do the same things, whatevs :) Forever Alone!

  4. Aw thank you, Katie!!! I'm glad we're not alone in our alone-ness :)


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