Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Don't Go See Paranormal Activity 3. Just... don't.

So you're just wandering along in your life, all "La la la, I'm thirsty so I'm going to get a chocolate milk. Now I have to pee, so I'm going to use the restroom. La la la. Life is simple." Then out of nowhere BAM! You stupidly go see "Paranormal Activity 3," and your life is never the same again. That trip to get chocolate milk turns into a race between you and some jackass ghost named Toby. Even thinking about going to the bathroom makes you terrified some angry spirit ass mofo is going to mess with you while you're enjoying the simple pleasure of urinating. I will never exist peacefully in my home again... (Or at least for the next like day or two until I find something else to obsess over.)

If you've ever seen "Paranormal Activity 1" or 2, you know the general gist of these movies- two girls are haunted by spirits, and it just generally fucks up their lives. Well, hey guess what? Now you have to sit through a movie explaining why they're haunted in the first place. Doesn't that sound like the worst idea ever? YEAH. So why I decided it would be a good idea to sit through the movie is just totally beyond me. I must have been accidentally blackout drunk and decided to totally ruin my own life. Wouldn't be the first time.

Having seen the first two, I can safely assure you this movie is the scariest of the three. I wish I could tell you why it scared me so much, but I can't without giving away the entire movie. Let me just say that it takes the original films, and gives them real roots. It actually explains the horror and shows you where it all started. So it unravels all the myths behind the first two movies. Scare the shit out of me, why don't you? I love all things scary, but holy crap, dude. This is a movie that totally and completely messes with your head.

Here's what I'll recommend for any human being who wants a normal and healthy life: don't see this movie. I literally slept for barely even four hours last night because I was too afraid to turn off the lights. But, if you're like me and you love torturing yourself and making yourself as miserable as possible, head on out and see "Paranormal Activity 3." JK, you should all probably see it so we can die from a lack of sleep together. If I'm going down, you're going down with me, bitches.


  1. I don't like scary movies at all, but I always want to know what happens at the end >_<

  2. i'm the same! the ending of PA3 is insane. it's like you want it to make you feel better, and totally safe... but it's the opposite. ahhhh just thinking of it freaks me out!!


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