Tuesday, November 22, 2011

-isms {On Bargains}

WARNING: This post is of a semi-mature nature. Mature in that the topic isn't suitable for youngsters, and semi in that it's actually only funny to people who are extremely immature... Such as myself.

Certain events in my life have come to serve as mile markers in my personal history. There's the "before" and "after" of certain events. Time before I knew what sex was. And the time after. The event splitting the two being some particularly scarring playground gossip. Time before I fell in love. And time after. The event splitting the two being the first time I saw Twilight and saw Robert Pattinson glitter in the sunlight... He still won't return my phone calls. But then there are other before and afters that don't seem to have a mile marker- they just are. For me, one mile marker I can't quite locate is the point at which I started understanding dirty jokes. The time before was simple, pure and childlike. In the after, everything became a dirty joke. And shit got a lot more hilarious.

My Dad is kind of consistently telling PG-13/ R-rated jokes. The first time you hear it, you're sort of like "Wait a minute sir, you're at least 50-years-old. Shouldn't you be talking about 401ks and golf?" But eventually everyone adjusts to it. He is one funny dude. He just spews all kind of cringe-worthy "That's what she said!" references. But everyone has heard those jokes a million times, thanks to our friends at The Office. (I don't think they know we're friends.) But within the last year, I heard a new slogan come out of my Dad's mouth that made me cringe, laugh, and shake my head in disgust all at the same time. I knew I had to post about it, embarrassing as it might be.

First and foremost, I should explain my relationship with my Dad a little bit. We're very close, especially since I've moved home. There are two different aspects to our relationship. 1. The typical Daddy's Girl relationship built on years of him fixing my car when it breaks down and disliking every guy I've ever dated. 2. Highway truck driver humor, while swearing like a sailor buddy relationship. I don't know when it started, but my Dad and I both love to jokingly yell swear words at each other and burp loudly. It's probably the least attractive aspect of my personality, and I'm totally okay with that. If I can't be immature now, when can I be? (A smart person would understand that being immature isn't something you should ever want to be, but I'm not there yet. Funny is funny!) It drives my Mom nuts, which I, of course, find really amusing. This is not a story of my Dad fixing my windshield wipers and being a really great Dad. This is a gross humor story. You've been warned.

I remember the day perfectly. My parents and I were up in Ann Arbor tailgating before the big University of Michigan night game vs. Notre Dame with a bunch of family friends. My Dad and I hopped over to the grocery store with a few friends (young dudes) to pick up more beer and supplies. We emerged from the store victorious, beer in-tow. One of the dudes asked some stupid question about the price of the beer and my Dad responded with categorically the most offensive retort I've ever heard: "It's like a sore dick, you can't beat it."
PAUSE. What?
Yep. That happened.
If you're sitting there confused, I urge you to pause and think about the statement above. You can't beat a good bargain. You also can't "beat".... Look, this isn't sex-ed, so if you still don't get it, ask your Mom or something.

When I heard it, I was first surprised that he even said it, and then totally shocked that I understood it. That's a dirty joke. And I totally understand why it's funny! That must be a sign that I'm finally an adult. Most of the outrageous things that come out of my Dad's mouth are things that I write down or log in my memory for later use. This one... not so much. I mean, it's hilarious and the fact that he says it from time to time kills me. I just don't think I can pull off the grossness of the statement myself. Try as I might to act like one sometimes, I'm not actually a highway truck driver. I have to try to maintain some level of decorum.

So since there are maybe 3 boys that read this blog at all (two of whom are my brothers, who have undoubtedly stopped reading this far because of the grossness of the above statement and have now vowed to disown me as their sister), please gross your friends out with this little statement. It applies to more than a bargain, if you think about it. Get creative with it. And if you get slapped across the face, you totally deserve it.


  1. hahaha that's funny. My dad told me a joke once about a hooker peeling off scabs to *cough* speed up the process of her work. It was kind of traumatizing. Funny post :p


  2. haha I'd die of embarrassment if my dad made a sex joke in front of me.

  3. ahahaha. sometimes my dad surprises me with this grossness, too. but mostly it's me making the dirty jokes!


  4. Haha, we are in for a fun day tomorrow! Just the other day I was trying to take a cute video of my brother's dog, and could I post it online? No, my dad was telling a dirty joke in the background. It was hilarious! I guess we just get used to it. Love reading your blog, makes me laugh!


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