If there is anything in the world that I love purely and unabashedly, it is the Real Housewives franchise. I can't get enough of it. I have religiously watched every episode of each version of the show (except Miami and DC- those were trainwrecks.) I'm a huge fan of defining favorites in my life in terms of TV characters. I really think it's a great way to judge a human- their favorite TV shows and characters. I'm a Pacey & Joey fan, a Ross & Rachel lover, a Carrie & Aiden girl (YEAH I SAID IT!), and a Corey & Shawn diehard. See, don't you feel like you know me better now? When someone tells me they like Nene or Brandi, I won't lie- I like them less. Real Housewives is a legitimate way of judging people, guys. It's basically how I pick my friends. (Shhh! Don't tell.) It was definitely hard to whittle down my list of favorites, and I certainly had many a sleepless night debating between my housewives... But I somehow managed to get my final 5. LET'S DO THIS.
5. Vicki Gunvalson- Back in the day Real Housewives of Orange County was my jam. This show was the best, right? It was the first of its kind, and consistently brought the drama. Over the years, characters came and went, but Vicki stuck around, proving to be one of the only housewives to keep her crazy in check. Unfortunately her marriage unravelled on TV, but she still maintained a housewives level of sanity. Even when things were horrible, I couldn't help but root for Vicki. She was just so damn real. The way she embarrassed her son that time she went to visit him at college? Priceless. Plus homegirl likes to get sloshed, which makes for a happy Carmen.
4. Lisa Vanderpump- The pinkest and the blingiest of the Real Housewives of Beverley Hills, LVP always brings the british attitude. I can't get enough of it. She's as bitchy as I am in my head, and her accent only makes it that much better. LVP is the absolute definition of cheeky, which I of course love. Don't even get me started on her clothing and shoes. I'm not one for too much bright pink in my wardrobe, but even this emo girl salivates over her wardrobe. The shoes, the diamonds, the everything. Can I have it, please?
3. Kim Zolciak- Do I even need to explain why I love me some Kim Z? Could it be the wigs? Or maybe the astounding singing career? Or maybe it's the fact that she carried on a relationship with someone who she willingly referred to as Big Poppa? Any one of these things would have me head over heels in love with her, but the combination of all there is almost too much for me to take. It's like God made her just for me. I mean, I need a role model, after all. Especially since Anna Nicole Smith bit the dust. She's without a doubt the only housewife on Atlanta that I actually like all of the time. Even when she's awful, she's still hilarious. Her crazy is the kind of crazy I can dig- straight up white trash, cigarette hanging out of your mouth while your wig is half off and your upper lip is sweating, crazy.
2. Kyle Richards- Srsly, can I be her? Kyle Richards has the life every girl dreams of- child actress turned Mommy, married to a suave sexy-man, AND she's related to Paris Hilton. I mean.... Guys, this is as good as it gets. Beverly Hills hit the jackpot when the cast her. She's totally normal (minus her crazy sister) and is always the voice of reason amongst crazy women who spend $25,000 on sunglasses. (Seriously though, what was that about? Like, why not just buy a car? That's some crazy white lady shit. (What do I think I am- black? Just go with it.)) It's not just that I like Kyle a lot, it's that her husband makes me want to hump things. He's so damn dapper! I thought there was a rule against housewives on these shows actually having attractive husbands. No?
1. Bethenny Frankel- Alright, I know she's technically not even on the show anymore, but Bethenny Frankel is the best housewife that ever was, or will be. When she was on Real Housewives of New York, Bethenny was one badass bitch. She got into all sorts of fights (Jill Zarrin- eek!) but was pretty much always right. I mean Kelly Bensimon was crazy. Bethenny called that one like at least a season before everyone else caught on! Her attitude, her biting tongue, her unwavering determination to find her man- Bethenny has always been the single girl's fave housewife. Now that she has Jason (who's my 2nd favorite house-husby, next to Mauricio, obvi) and baby Brynn, she's "got it all." It's like the perfect fairytale ending that every single girl hopes for... plus she still says horribly bitchy things in public and gets away with it, and sells alcohol for a living. Like, that's all I want in the world. A husband, a baby, alcohol and sassiness.
Now all we have to do is figure out a way to get Andy Cohen to make a Real Housewives of Ohio.....