Friday, January 20, 2012

An Open Letter to All Mark Wahlberg Movies

Before I delve into the depths of my love- Open Letters are pretty common on a lot of blogs, especially Hello Giggles. Even though they somewhat popularized the format, I think we're all entitled to try our hand at it. That's what blogging is for, right? Learn, grow & have a good time. Or something like that. Open letters are fun!

Dear All Mark Wahlberg Movies,

Let me start by just saying thank you. Thank you for existing. Thank you for bridging the gap between stereotypical dude movies and stereotypical chick movies. Thank you for making a man like Mark Wahlberg into such a dreamboat. He went from Marky Mark, to this beacon of strength and intelligence in film. He is the ultimate underdog good guy. I now feel okay about being sexually attracted to dudes with muscles, and that's all thanks to you. You did that. You made me okay with muscles! I don't think I could ever thank you enough for that. More importantly, I don't think my future husband and his forced roid addiction could ever thank you enough for that.

I love you for so many reasons, Mark Wahlberg Movies. There are so many of you, I love you all for different reasons. I couldn't possibly list you all here, simply because talking about you takes such an emotional toll on me. But let's reminisce about the greats. I mean, let's start early with you, Four Brothers. You took place right up the road from me, in good ole Detroit, Michigan. That's a recipe for success right there- Mark & the 313. God, it doesn't get better. OH BUT WAIT IT DOES! Because you added Garrett Hedlund, before he even was Garrett Hedlund (as in the super sexy dude from Country Strong.) You told a story of family, death, mystery, and love. I don't know how you fit all of those things into an hour and a half, but damn it you did. Or what about you, The Departed?! I can't even look you in the eye, you make me so nervous because I like you so freaking much. I like you so much, you give me sweaty hands. It's like you were born to put together all of my favorite things- MW, Matt Damon, Leo, that one guy from everyone's favorite movie about old dudes, The Bucket List, and one of my favorite places on the planet- Boston! Home of the Sox. Come on, now. You throw that many Boston accents at a girl, she's bound to fall in love. Plus the plot twists even I couldn't figure out. I love that! We should probably just go ahead and declare you the best movie ever made. Why don't we do that? I'll get the paperwork going.

And then there's The Fighter. The sobbing I did during our time together rivals that of The Notebook. I couldn't contain my tears. You tore me apart. I was so invested in you and your characters. I don't know how you did it, but you made me fall in love again. You made me want to join a boxing gym. I mean, I didn't actually join a boxing gym- but damn, you made me want to. Just when I thought our time together might be over, Mark Wahlberg movies- that you didn't have any Wahly left in you... You come out with Contraband and surprise the shit out of me. I really thought what we had together was over. You gave me three of the best movies a girl could ask for. What story could be left to tell? The story of Chris Farraday, a former smuggler who gets back in the game to save his family- THAT'S WHAT STORY!!! I sat there for an hour and a half, simply amazed that we were back at it together again. You, telling me a story with so much heart and complexity, even I couldn't have predicted the ending. And me, sitting there gasping the whole way through. Such is the nature of our relationship.

That'll teach me to ever think you're done. Mark Wahlberg Movies, we could never be done! You still have so much more to give, and I'll be here waiting for you. I'll never let go, Jack Mark.


  1. lol, i like this! love me some mark wahlberg!

    I got here through susannah bean! new follower! =]

  2. I got here through susannah bean, too and I love your blog! new follower! :-)


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