Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Top 5 Ways To Be A Fag Hag


The term Fag Hag is a term of endearment. I don't like the F word being used in a derogatory manner, nor would any self respecting hag. But when used in conjunction with the word Hag, the F word loses its negative connotation. So if you have a problem with my use of the word Fag Hag, take it up with my gays. We're quite okay with it. Cool? Also, if you think I'm stereotyping, I probably am... But I'm coming from a place of love and hopefully lots of giggles. It's all very tongue in cheek. So don't get mad, get your gay BFF on.

I've spent much of my adult life being the over enthusiastic fag hag, meaning I love my gay best friends so much, I'm much more gay man than straight girl at this point. I don't want to weird anyone out here, but sometimes I get sad that I'm not a gay man. I mean, I like guys already anyway, so I meet that requirement completely. But because I have girlie bits, I'll never get to go full on gay man. No, ladies like me are regulated to Fag Hag status, which is more than fine by me because it comes with tons of perks. If you don't yet have a gay best friend, you will want one by the end of this post. I promise you that. See, just like straight people, all of my best gay friends have varied interests and personalities. Some are super bitchy and fierce (buzz word!), and others are so stereotypical straight boy you might never know they're batting for the other team. But as a single girl, a bond with my gay boys is the closest thing I've had to a relationship in years. Truth be told my gay best friends have taught me a lot about myself and what I actually need in a relationship. (Lots of  Liz Lemon references and movie nights with candy and a six-pack of beer apparently.) Yes, my straight friend relationships have taught me a lot too, but they're not as fun to write about. So fuck that noise for right now. Really, if you don't understand why every girl should be proud to consider herself a fag hag, I'm surprised you've even read this far down.

I can still remember the first time someone called my a fag hag. It was on the street in New York City, and the guy did not mean it as a compliment. Didn't stop me from wearing it like a badge of honor. The day had come that I had finally achieved FH status. And it was awesome. Ladies, your life isn't complete until you can add Fag Hag to your list of skills on your resume. Trust me. The bond between a Hag and her Fag is unlike any other in the world- full of dance parties, checking out dudes, drinking, self-deprecating humor and dinners at restaurants where you hope the people around you think he's your real BF. He's not. They know. How do you get this wondrous relationship in your life? Well, there are a few basics you'll need to master before you can consider yourself a full on hag. First we'll snag him, then we'll figure out how to keep him. Allow me:

5. Be Desperate and Funny- So you don't currently have a gay BFF. If you don't live in New York, San Francisco, or any other sort of big city or booming metropolis, you might have a hard time locating "your gay." Hey girl, I'm right there with you. I'm separated from all of my gay BFFs right now and it's like someone has torn out my glitter coated heart and put it through the garbage disposal. But here's the awesome thing about these fabulous creatures- they really are everywhere... You just have to look in the right places. Obviously check your local gay bar- DUH. But other than that, go for restaurants (gay waiters- FIERCE AND FREE FOOD!), coffee shops, and any obvious gay icon concerts in your town. If only Madonna would tour.... When you encounter the gentleman that you think is the one, snagging him will probably be tougher than snagging yourself a boyfriend. Like, you better bring your A-game. Be funny, be dry, be sarcastic, and a little self deprecating. It should work like a charm. If all else fails, throw yourself at him. I think it's an unwritten rule that he can't turn you down. Like, all gay guys must take pity on us frumpy sad-sack desperate straight women. But make sure you pick the right gay for you- if you pick too bitchy, he'll end up breaking your heart. I've had it happen a time or two. First I think everything is great and we're bonding like whoa, then next thing I know, he's off brunching with my girlfriends and he didn't even text me. HE'S DEAD TO ME NOW.

4. Know How To Dance- I'm not a fantastic dancer. In fact, I might go as far as to say I'm a bad dancer. But not around my gays. Nope, around them I'm confident, I'm sassy, and I somehow know how to dance- or at least act like I do enough that I don't hit the people around me. Knowing how to dance will come in handy like all the time. Just trust me. Plus, it's one of the best ways to meet new gays. Tell me that as a straight woman you don't ever feel more confident than when you're dancing with a gay man. YOU CAN'T! Master some easy semi-slutty moves, and you'll have the gay guys begging for BFF status. Srsly. They'll call you fierce and shit. You'll feel like you've died and gone to heaven, where the only song they play is Cyndi Lauper's version of "Heaven Is A Place On Earth."

Have Issues- Once you've got your gay, you've got to make him stick around for a while and fall in love with you despite the fact that you fart in your sleep and might have some sort of rash starting on your back. There's nothing my gays loved more than fixing my life problems. Sure, my life problems are always something like "My hair is falling out, should I keep bleaching it?" but still- my gays love helping! Well, most humans like to feel helpful. But you know how you have some friends who give horrible advice that always ends up with you doing the walk of shame in a tube top and smeared lipstick while all the normal people of the world are headed to work? Well, gays don't usually give advice like that. No, gay advice is like creepy old lady wisdom- it's always right. If he says that outfit is cute- IT'S CUTE. If he tells you that your chest cold sounds serious and you should probably go to the doctor- GET YOUR ASS TO THE DOCTOR. If he tells you your boyfriend is a dick and you need to dump him- well this brings us to our next point....

2. Don't Have A Boyfriend-  For a true Fag Hag to flourish, she must be untethered by the harmful ropes of a romantical relationship. Sure your boyfriend loves you, blah blah blah. But will he sit with you for hours as you dissect the nature of your relationship with your mother? Will he take you out dancing just because it's a Tuesday? Will he come over with a pint of ice cream and a movie on a Friday night just because you sounded a little sad on the phone? My friends, gay BFFs win every battle every time. (Granted, I'm a bit spoiled. My gays are the best gays, obviously. But I'm making generalizations here, okay?) Look, BFs and GBFFs are not mutually exclusive, necessarily. But it can create issues, for real. Your BF will be wondering why you want to spend all of your free time with this other dude. And your GBFF will be annoyed when you have to cut your Barbra Streisand Movie Marathon short because your "BF says so." Ugh. Whatever. Dump your boyfriend and get a gay boyfriend. You'll probably end up dressing better.

1. Know Everything Ever About Everything In Pop Culture- This is also a rule for being my BFF, but like I said, I'm just a gay man on the inside anyway. If there's one thing most gays love, it's talking pop culture, both current and past. I've had many long nights spent dissecting what went wrong with Jen & Brad- WHERE DID THE LOVE GO?! And probably more spent recounting Will & Grace episodes and watching the blooper reels on Youtube. A little Kardashian knowledge comes in handy, too. But be careful- a large population of gays have turned Anti-Kardashian. Tread lightly, my dears. Get yourself an Us Weekly and brush up on the important stuff. The one thing that will keep your gay around for years is healthy pop culture banter. Bonus points for any extensive gay icon knowledge- I say pick an icon and learn all you can about him/her. I'm a veteran hag so I'm in the Cher game. We have the same birthday!! Other options for you just getting into the hag business would be Lady Gaga, Tori Spelling, Kylie Minogue, RuPaul, Dolly Parton, etc. You get the idea. Go for glitter. Good luck, ladies! Snag yourself a GBFF!

Also, this post will serve as my mating call for any gays in the NW Ohio area. I need you! Let's hang out and make fun of people, please.

9 comments:

  1. Oh my god. I'm almost in tears at this post - SO hilarious.. "So don't get mad, get your gay BFF on."
    I'm probably the worst gay, though. I'm not super into pop culture, I just recently got into Will & Grace. I'm trying, though!
    I almost wish I lived around Ohio, just so I could meet you. You'd probably have me in tears.

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  2. BEST ChyChy POST EVERY. Absolutely hilarious....even though I'm not mentioned once.

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  3. HAHAHA, I am definitely showing this to my gay bff as I type this. I have never heard the use of FagHag but I will most definitely be donning it. Although I do have a boyfriend, I spent a lot of my college years owning the FH lifestyle.

    xoxo
    shopFAKE

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  4. Hi Carmen!

    OMG, this is SUCH an awesome post! I want to be a fag hag so bad lol! I used to have so many gay friends when I lived in San Francisco, but now I live in Portland where they are harder to come across! I love gay guys though, they are so funny and different.

    This is so perfect because I miss my gay friends and want to make new ones now that I've moved! The "Have Issues" and "Know everything about pop culture" are so hilarious but so true!

    Love & Cake,
    Amber

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  5. you are fucking hilarious. i love you.

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  6. Best post, ever. Fo realz. Until you give more life advice. I've linked this post on my 'Start Your Week Off With..' feature.

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  7. I just laughed so hard. This is probably the best post I've ever read (right up there with your open letter to all Mark Wahlberg movies). Love the blog :)

    xx Ashleigh
    www.ashflynn.blogspot.com

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  8. i feel like I am reading about my life right now :) haha. i have too many gay friends to count. but they are exceptional :) great post!

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