Dear CB (& fans),
First off, let me just start by saying- REALLY?!?!?!??!?!?
Originally that was all I was even going to say, but I feel like this whole "situation" deserves more than can be conveyed with an annoyed, judgmental "really?!" So here goes:
So Chris, I saw you on the Grammys on Sunday. I have to tell you, I was not pleased. We'll get into how much you suck as a human later, but let's talk about the suckiness of your performance first, shall we? Last time I checked, (2 seconds ago via Google), the Grammys are still a music awards show, not a dance awards show. That's a well documented fact. So why did you get onstage and lipsync and dance? This is not ABDC, an amazing dance competition show produced by Randy Jackson. Were you lost? Did someone misinform you and tell you you were performing on ABDC?! I sincerely don't get it. Sure, it might be acceptable for Britney Spears (still not okay) but you're not even on her level. It's the GRAMMYS! You couldn't get up there and multitask a little bit? Wanted to save your energy for a different performance? Dude. Not okay. The performance was abismal. No offense. (Seriously though, this is about to get way more offensive. So.....)
I wouldn't even have to be writing this open letter if you weren't allowed to perform on the Grammys in the first place. So I definitely think there are other people to blame here. But hey, while I'm writing at you, why don't I just take this all out on you? Sound good? Here's the thing- beating women isn't something that I'm okay with, or could ever be okay with. You're a big bag of douche. 4 years post-Rihanna Grammys incident, I'm still not ready to be all buddy buddy with you, dude. Stop forcing your way into my life! Get off my TV screen!!! Beating a woman isn't something I can ever just forget. You're never NOT going to be that idiot that went HAM on his super famous girlfriend the night before the Grammys. You will always be that guy to me. I'm definitely not speaking for America here or anything, just me as a person. BUT SERIOUSLY- GO AWAY! I know you've gone through all of this counseling or whatever and you're trying to make up for it, but I don't buy it. I really don't. The internet is telling me you're using "I promise I won't beat you" as a pick-up line on women. Really? I'm giving you a look right now that you just can't see. You deserve a punch in the groin. I'm not going to tell you that you shouldn't make music anymore. That's not my call. But I sure as shit wouldn't be working with you if I were still in the music business. It would be like a Jewish woman working with Hitler because he said sorry and went to anger management classes. NOPE. That dog won't hunt, buddy. (Yes, I'm making a wildly offensive comparison here. Deal with it.)
This is where I'm going to yell at Chris Brown's fans. Sit back and enjoy it, fellow CB-haters. COME ON, GUYS! What is so amazing about this dude that you can't just not buy his music?! It's not like he's Michael Jackson. If you just thought to yourself "He kind of is." then I need you to slap yourself in the face for me. HE IS NOT EVEN CLOSE TO THAT LEVEL! I just don't understand how any woman in the world can buy Chris Brown's records & go to his concerts without feeling even a twinge of guilt. He beat up a woman- and not just any woman- RIHANNA! She's like our goddess of rhythmic pop music. As women, we should all be able to agree on hating this idiot. That's just like the rules of feminism. But seriously, all of his female fans should know better. Yes, I am trying to guilt you into hating him. Whatever. It's working, isn't it?
At the end of the day, Chris Brown, most people will never be able to hear your name without automatically thinking of the fact that you beat up Rihanna. I wish the Grammys would stop rewarding someone like you for mediocre music and horrible personal decisions, but unfortunately I'm not in charge of the world. I'm not going to like stalk you and punch you in the face or anything. But I need you to get out of my life. JUST GIVE ME MY SPACE, CB! We're not friends.
Also, damn you for making me take the time & energy to write this in the first place. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to get back to things I love, mainly listening to Rihanna and screaming "LALALA I HATE CHRIS BROWN!"
JK. I don't actually do that. I am going to listen to Rihanna though.