Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Top 5 Fake Jobs That I Should Totally Have


So considering the current state of my life, I spend a lot of time thinking about jobs, both real and hypothetical. I probably spend more time thinking of fake jobs that should exist than I do planning on getting a long term job in real life. I mean, I'd have no problem giving up my (lack of a) social life and free time for a really awesome job. Like, can't we just make these a reality for me? I just think that if we live in a world where Danielle Staub can be an author, then I should get to invent a career for myself out of things I am really good at. Who do I have to talk to about this?

1. Professional Best Friend- Okay. Come on. Tell me you wouldn't LOVE to do this? It would basically just be giving out advice, giggling, shopping for jeans, watching reality TV, and lots of friendship bracelets. Oh, and occasionally telling boys stuff like "Becky doesn't like you anymore. She's breaking up with you. AND SHE WANTS HER LUCKY RABBIT'S FOOT BACK!" At least that's what I make my best friend's do... I don't know, whatever. Maybe you're not as demanding as I am. Not the point! I srsly love spending hours analyzing text messages from boys, only to discover he might just mean "sup?" when he says "sup?" To get paid to giggle and share secrets is basically the dream of all dreams. It's like a nice girl's form of prostitution. I'm totally okay with that.

2. Professional Tyra Banks Quote Reciter & GIF Recreator- Tyra Banks is like the gift that keeps on giving. I really think she's just become a caricature of herself at this point and she's progressively getting worse and worse (better and better.) Tyra is a bag full of so much crazy, she puts Janice Dickinson to shame. Remember in the early cycles of ANTM when we thought Janice was the crazy one? Turns out Tyra just needed a few seasons to let her full fledged wackadoodle self show. I'm not even embarrassed to admit that I can quote most of the ANTM cycles, especially the Naima, Eva, Danielle, CariDee & Jaslene seasons. I can't tell you how many weekends I spent watching those marathons on Oxygen. While normal people were out having boyfriends and stuff, I was busy preparing for this job. I can perform any and all of these GIFs on command, and can recite the entire Tiffany speech better than Tyra herself. This needs to be a job. I have logged too many hours in front of the mirror doing the z-snap for it to just go to waste.

3. Professional Cash Cab/Jeopardy/Wheel of Fortune/Price Is Right Loser- This one might be something that many people might find themselves wanting to make into a career. Here's my infomercial pitch: "Do you hate watching television competition shows? Do you always get the answers wrong? Are you just plain stumped by everything you've ever heard Alex Trebek say? Well then come on down- you could be a Professional Loser!" I don't know how, but someone has to want to hear my guess literally every question wrong on Cash Cab. I'm not talking some of the questions- I'm talking every single solitary one. And I'm always off by at least a couple thousand dollars on The Price Is Right. It's the damnedest thing. It takes true skill to be this dumb.

4. Professional O-Town/Danity Kane/Day 26/Donnie Klang Lyrics Knower- Okay, so I know there might not be a HUGE market of Making The Band fans out there, but I'm willing to appeal to a niche market here. I think there has to be a way for me to profit off of all the years of watching Making The Band and listening to the horrible (awesome) artists the show produced. A true Making The Band Fan did not stop with just O-Town. No, they watched all the P. Diddy seasons and saw Aubrey O'Day get progressively oranger and oranger. (Yes, I even watched her short lived Oxygen reality show.) All I know is, a normal person just watches this show and makes fun of these people. Not me. I bought the albums, I went to the concerts, I had a mini-break-down in the bathroom after I got to meet Day 26... Don't look at me like that! I can't help who I love. And who I love are all of these incredibly bizarre groups put together on national television. I can recite O-Town lyrics in the style of Shakespeare, and "rap" Donnie Klang lyrics like a freaking boss. Someone pay me for this shit. (The incredibly embarrassing winners of season 2 of Making the Band- "Da Band"- are left off of this list because they sucked.)

5. Professional Crier- "Do you need someone to come to your pet's funeral and look sad? I'm your girl!" Yes, that's my sales pitch. Come on! There has to be someone out there willing to pay me to cry. This is a marketable skill I've got here. I could have gone to a critic's screening of The Notebook and cried like a baby just to make the other critics sad. I can even cry just by thinking of something sad. It's like I'm a PMS-ing girl, but year round! Who doesn't want to be around that?! It's almost like there's something wrong with my tear ducts, but no, no- have no fear! I'm just overly emotional!! While I may embarrass all of my friends and family at movies, I'm proud of my crying. It's a badge of

Honorable Mentions:
Professional Horror Movie Watcher/Screamer
Professional Molly Ringwald Lover
Professional Inappropriate Restaurant Behavior Haver
Professional 80's Dance Party Planner & Attender
Professional Sour Patch Kids Eater
Professional Baby Holder
Professional Kardashian Fact Knower
Professional Gmail Inbox Refresher
Professional Tina Fey Worshiper
Professional Will & Grace Quoter

What about you guys- do you have any dream jobs that don't exist yet? Somehow we need to make these happen!! I'll write a letter to Obama or something. He'll work it all out, I'm sure.

32 comments:

  1. ha! this is great! I think i would be a professional zynga game player and maybe a professional blogger. that would be pretty cool :)

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    1. Nice! Professional blogger would definitely be a dream come true!

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  2. hahaha!!! this is funny specially the professional kardashian fact knower!


    www.princesslyvintagely.com

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    1. Thanks girl!! We all have our special skills... Mine just happen to be pretty useless haha

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  3. Love this post! It made me laugh! I would love to be a professional blog reader, pet snuggler, mermaid collector, or teenage girl confidence booster!

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    1. Thanks lady! I love that- teenage girl confidence booster!! I definitely could have used one of those when I was younger!

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  4. bwahahhaha. thanks for the laugh today! i needed it. i would be a professional air guitarist. it's totally my thing.

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    1. That would be such a rad job!! You'd be a hit at birthday parties hahaha

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  5. Oh my goodness. Please create that Tyra job. I miss the Tiffany speech!!!

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  6. I wish you could have the Tyra job! I love watching ANTM to see what she is going to do next! I also think the professional Best Friend would be pretty fun also!

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    1. She is off the rails entirely. I LOVE IT!

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  7. Hahaha these are too funny, did you make them up? Love tyra!

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    1. I did indeed! I want to make these a reality sooooo badly!!

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  8. gosh - your 'top 5' posts crack me up! I could be a professional netflix watcher....or icecream eater....or a professional bad singer, you could hire me to sing next to you and people would think you are really good by comparison..yeah. i would be good at those....

    xx Ashleigh
    www.ashflynn.blogspot.com

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    1. Aww thanks girl!! Professional Netflix watcher sounds AWESOME! We need to make that happen.

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  9. ahahaha, this is awesome. I personally want to be a Stay At Home Girlfriend, but I guess we all can't win..

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    1. Oooooh nice! I'd have to get a boyfriend first to qualify for that one :)

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  10. I could be the Molly ringwald lover or the sour patch eater! Remember that Paris Hiltons BFF show. What a fun gig!

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    1. OH I would have OWNED The Paris Hillton BFF show!!!

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  11. This is a terrific post. I want to be a professional vintage clothing namer. Ever since I went to a vintage store where every item had a name I've decided this would be the best job for me.

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    1. Thanks lady! That sounds like an awesome job. That might just be thing somewhere... Do it!!

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  12. This is perfect. Seriously. I agree with like.. all of them. I could do the professional crier.. and game show loser. My anxiety goes through the roof watching those shows, I feel like I'm on them.. and if I get it wrong.. I feel like I've lost the thousands of dollars. :\

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    1. Thank you thank you! I'm SO with you- I used to freak out when that lady would say "You ARE the weakest link. Goodbye!" So much anxiety!!

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  13. professional baby holder might really take off...and you know professional best friend already has! (or did for a little bit!) see: nicole ritchie :) the best option, of course, would be Tyra Banks' Professional BFF Who Plans 80s Dance Parties

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    1. That's THE ultimate dream job... like ever. Srsly, epic combo!!

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  14. Haahahahaha, I love this. I could totally do 1. Or 5. I'm not a huge crier but when it comes to other peoples issues, I ball like a freaking baby. And movies, oh boy. People marvel at the fact that no matter how many times I watch the Notebook, it still gets me every time.

    And those honourable mentions. I could honestly do every single one of those. Except maybe Tina Fey worshiper. And if I would do the party planner one, I'd do 60s instead, and be that creepy lady standing in the corner twisting whilst all the children question whats happening.
    I just love all the honourable mentions. I do all of those things anyway, if only I were being paid...

    XO Samantha

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  15. Professional coffee drinker. I drink at least 3 cups a day... and that's at minimum!

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  16. Hahaha!! I think any of these could be a legitimate possibility considering Michael Jackson had a Professional Umbrella Holder.

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  17. I don't even know you but this made me smile a lot.

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  18. Hahaha, what a cool list! Since I've been jobless ever sine I moved to the States, maybe I should give some of these a try ... right? ;)

    Happy Valentine's Day! ;)

    Miki.

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Thank you for taking the time to comment! It's lovely hearing from you :)