Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Top 5 Fake Jobs That I Should Totally Have
So considering the current state of my life, I spend a lot of time thinking about jobs, both real and hypothetical. I probably spend more time thinking of fake jobs that should exist than I do planning on getting a long term job in real life. I mean, I'd have no problem giving up my (lack of a) social life and free time for a really awesome job. Like, can't we just make these a reality for me? I just think that if we live in a world where Danielle Staub can be an author, then I should get to invent a career for myself out of things I am really good at. Who do I have to talk to about this?
1. Professional Best Friend- Okay. Come on. Tell me you wouldn't LOVE to do this? It would basically just be giving out advice, giggling, shopping for jeans, watching reality TV, and lots of friendship bracelets. Oh, and occasionally telling boys stuff like "Becky doesn't like you anymore. She's breaking up with you. AND SHE WANTS HER LUCKY RABBIT'S FOOT BACK!" At least that's what I make my best friend's do... I don't know, whatever. Maybe you're not as demanding as I am. Not the point! I srsly love spending hours analyzing text messages from boys, only to discover he might just mean "sup?" when he says "sup?" To get paid to giggle and share secrets is basically the dream of all dreams. It's like a nice girl's form of prostitution. I'm totally okay with that.
2. Professional Tyra Banks Quote Reciter & GIF Recreator- Tyra Banks is like the gift that keeps on giving. I really think she's just become a caricature of herself at this point and she's progressively getting worse and worse (better and better.) Tyra is a bag full of so much crazy, she puts Janice Dickinson to shame. Remember in the early cycles of ANTM when we thought Janice was the crazy one? Turns out Tyra just needed a few seasons to let her full fledged wackadoodle self show. I'm not even embarrassed to admit that I can quote most of the ANTM cycles, especially the Naima, Eva, Danielle, CariDee & Jaslene seasons. I can't tell you how many weekends I spent watching those marathons on Oxygen. While normal people were out having boyfriends and stuff, I was busy preparing for this job. I can perform any and all of these GIFs on command, and can recite the entire Tiffany speech better than Tyra herself. This needs to be a job. I have logged too many hours in front of the mirror doing the z-snap for it to just go to waste.
3. Professional Cash Cab/Jeopardy/Wheel of Fortune/Price Is Right Loser- This one might be something that many people might find themselves wanting to make into a career. Here's my infomercial pitch: "Do you hate watching television competition shows? Do you always get the answers wrong? Are you just plain stumped by everything you've ever heard Alex Trebek say? Well then come on down- you could be a Professional Loser!" I don't know how, but someone has to want to hear my guess literally every question wrong on Cash Cab. I'm not talking some of the questions- I'm talking every single solitary one. And I'm always off by at least a couple thousand dollars on The Price Is Right. It's the damnedest thing. It takes true skill to be this dumb.
4. Professional O-Town/Danity Kane/Day 26/Donnie Klang Lyrics Knower- Okay, so I know there might not be a HUGE market of Making The Band fans out there, but I'm willing to appeal to a niche market here. I think there has to be a way for me to profit off of all the years of watching Making The Band and listening to the horrible (awesome) artists the show produced. A true Making The Band Fan did not stop with just O-Town. No, they watched all the P. Diddy seasons and saw Aubrey O'Day get progressively oranger and oranger. (Yes, I even watched her short lived Oxygen reality show.) All I know is, a normal person just watches this show and makes fun of these people. Not me. I bought the albums, I went to the concerts, I had a mini-break-down in the bathroom after I got to meet Day 26... Don't look at me like that! I can't help who I love. And who I love are all of these incredibly bizarre groups put together on national television. I can recite O-Town lyrics in the style of Shakespeare, and "rap" Donnie Klang lyrics like a freaking boss. Someone pay me for this shit. (The incredibly embarrassing winners of season 2 of Making the Band- "Da Band"- are left off of this list because they sucked.)
5. Professional Crier- "Do you need someone to come to your pet's funeral and look sad? I'm your girl!" Yes, that's my sales pitch. Come on! There has to be someone out there willing to pay me to cry. This is a marketable skill I've got here. I could have gone to a critic's screening of The Notebook and cried like a baby just to make the other critics sad. I can even cry just by thinking of something sad. It's like I'm a PMS-ing girl, but year round! Who doesn't want to be around that?! It's almost like there's something wrong with my tear ducts, but no, no- have no fear! I'm just overly emotional!! While I may embarrass all of my friends and family at movies, I'm proud of my crying. It's a badge of
Professional Horror Movie Watcher/Screamer
Professional Molly Ringwald Lover
Professional Inappropriate Restaurant Behavior Haver
Professional 80's Dance Party Planner & Attender
Professional Sour Patch Kids Eater
Professional Baby Holder
Professional Kardashian Fact Knower
Professional Gmail Inbox Refresher
Professional Tina Fey Worshiper
Professional Will & Grace Quoter
What about you guys- do you have any dream jobs that don't exist yet? Somehow we need to make these happen!! I'll write a letter to Obama or something. He'll work it all out, I'm sure.