Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Top 5 Men (Boys) I Need To Stop Loving


I'm fully aware of my weirdnesses has a human, and more specifically a woman girl. I'm totally insane in some horrible & awesome ways. But probably one of my oddest characteristics is my dealings with dudes. Normal girls want a supportive, loving gentlemen in their lives. They want a guy who will say "I love you" and carry their purse while they shop for outfits at Express. They search high and low for a dude with financial security who can make their lives easier & provide a life for them. I am attracted to none of these things. And yet I still always wonder why it doesn't work out. What's wrong with me, you ask? Many things, I fear. But my attraction to the wrong guy is borderline tragic, and something I have little control over. I don't pick loser guys, they pick me.

Being that it's 2012 and I'm 23-years-old, I think it's time for me to stop being attracted to losers. Yes, I could probably spend the next 7 years paying for dinner dates and convincing myself that "he's totally into me!" while he makes out with another girl in the bathroom at The Olive Garden, but I don't want to be that girl. It's too cliche. I want to take control of this out of control dating situation I call my life and set some ground rules for myself. I almost always hate rules, so we'll see how this goes. First step is identifying my weaknesses. The guys I go for. Then, we'll tackle eliminating them.

Let me tell you, this is not going to be pretty... And I'm not even remotely kidding about any of these guys.

5. Men Who Look Homeless/Are Homeless- Have you ever seen a guy from across the street and thought "That guy is totally hot!" but then as you get closer realize that he's actually just homeless? I LOVE THOSE GUYS! I mean, they have that total grunge look going on like they haven't showered in weeks. (Well, they actually haven't.) It just works for me. Unluckily for my heart, those boys usually come with some severe mental issues that I'm just not mature enough to deal with yet. (Yes, this is me blaming myself for not being mentally stable enough to date a homeless man. Where have I gone wrong in life?) Truth be told, I'm just as partial to boys who aren't actually homeless, but just dress like they are. Except these guys tend to be extremely rich and buy their poor people looking clothes from name brand designers. They're typically too pretentious to go for me. I'm closer to homeless than I am rich.

4. The Man/Child- I love My Little Pony. I sometimes wear ribbons in my hair. I would eat candy for every meal if my Mom would let me. I wish it were acceptable to bake all of my meals in an Easy Bake Oven. My senior year quote in the yearbook was "I shall never grow up. Make believe is much too fun." by Eisley. Yes, I am a Woman/Child, or as I like to call myself- a girly fauxdult. And proud of it. I'm not saying you have to date me. But when this girly fauxdult gets paired up with a Man/Child, it's an absolute train wreck. See, a Man/Child doesn't know how to load dishes in the dishwasher, he can't pick out his own outfits, he calls his Mom when he's feeling "a wittle sad," and he spends all of his disposable income on porn. It's bizarre... Something about that just calls to me. These eternal children just need a girlfriend/Mom who can serve double duty. I could be that lucky lady!... It's just that instead of teaching him how to do laundry & become a normal adult, I end up arguing with him over silly things like who the best Rugrat was (CLEARLY CHUCKIE!) or the moral temptation that comes with wearing the ring (LOTR dorks holla at me!) Still, something keeps me going back to these half-adults. If he's got a pair of untied Chuck's, sloppy facial hair, and he's drinking his Vita Coco like it's a child's juicebox, I'm hooked.

3. Commitment Phobes- This one is kind of okay, because I intellectually get them. Allow me to explain... Usually in the movies, a commitment phobe will attract this amazing person who will convince them that being in a relationship and falling in love is totally worth it. They're worthy of love! All is right with the world! Well, not in this story, ladies. Nope, I LOVE me a good commitment phobe, because I'm one, too! But when the two of us get together, it's nothing short of distressing. It's the worst non-relationship ever not-written in the stars. It's an epic battle of two people who are terrified of using the word "us" and spending more than one night a week hanging out. It's like a duel to see who can care less. A noble battle that I wish I could say I usually won. It always never works out in the end.

2. Men Without Jobs- Have you been unemployed for over a year? Has the government refused to pay you unemployment because you won't actually look for a job? Was your last job at McDonalds? THEN I'M DEFINITELY THE GIRL FOR YOU!!! No JK at all. Please, if you tell me about how your boss was a total dick and fired you for being too awesome (and maybe calling a customer an asshole to his face), I will be like putty in your hands. The longer he's been unemployed, the more attractive he becomes. I can't resist a man with zero ambition. I respect a man who can stay in his sweatpants for a week straight. I mean, really, how can you not?! I've never done that before! You've got to admire the dedication there.

1. Failing/Failed Artists- Men whose dreams have been repeatedly crushed by critics, doubters, and best of all, their parents, are one of my hugest weaknesses. Musicians, writers, painters- I'll take any creative type. I mean, from time to time I enjoy a dude who has a dream & hope for the future. But give me a guy whose every shred of dignity and artistic integrity has been demolished by years of negativity and soul crushing failure and I'll be in love for years. Seriously, I will stalk him to the point of embarrassment. Don't doubt me here. I will be the only person to show up to every show and lurk in the shadows so he can't see me. (It violates the restraining order- DUH!) I think I'm scientifically attracted to the smell of broken dreams.

Come to think of it, now that I'm reading over this list... I don't want to say goodbye to my freakish loser guys. If we can just find one that combines all 5, I promise I'll marry him. We'll live happily never after.

16 comments:

  1. haha this article was so funny! I love your writing style. Thanks for the laughs! :)

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    1. Thank you thank you :) Making people laugh is my favorite thing ever.

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  2. Love it. I fall for the homeless guys, too. That's why I cried the day my husband cut his long, flowing hair. I almost didn't talk to him for a week. Not because I was mad, but because I was seriously grieving over it. Haha...I'm with you on all of these!

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    1. Hahah I would have cried, too!! Long hair is my favorite. Something about a boy asking me to borrow a hair tie just makes my heart flutter. We're probably weird, but I'm totally okay with that :)

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  3. The homeless guy cracked me up!! ...and I mean really, who isnt attracted to a failing artist!?! I love your top 5 :)

    xx Ashleigh
    www.ashflynn.blogspot.com

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    1. Thanks my dear! They're my favorite to write, too!!

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  4. Haha oh my gosh I loved this! I don't really have this problem anymore now that I'm married but I totally remember in my single days always falling for guys without jobs. Heck, even my husband didn't have a job til we got back from our honeymoon :P

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    1. Ah, how I envy your married status! To not have to date losers would be a dream!! But alas, I could only settle down if I found the loseriest of the losers :)

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  5. I don't think you understand how hard I've been laughing while reading this. I loved this so much!

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    1. Thank you!! Srsly, I love knowing that I've made someone laugh. Yay!!

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  6. One time I was walking in Williamsburg and played "Hot or Homeless" by myself and then I walked past a guy selling paintings out of a gutted food truck and I vomited a little.

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    1. I LOVE THAT GAME!! And I would have probably fallen in love with the food truck gentlemen.

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  7. i think every ex boyfriend i've ever had falls under one {if not more} of those categories. thank heavens i was peer pressured by my roommates to date my husband, because i'd probably still be dating the guy who got suspended from mcdonalds {yeah, that can happen} and called it his 'vacation' if it weren't for him.

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  8. You my friend . Are hysterical! Loved this!

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  9. yes, yes, yes, yes, YES! Can't dudes just wear labels? That would make it so much easier.

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Thank you for taking the time to comment! It's lovely hearing from you :)