Tuesday, March 27, 2012
My Brain On A Diet
Back in the day, every once in a while I would get the really great idea to go on a diet. For whatever reason, my head would tell me that since my body didn't look like Adriana Lima's, I needed to stop eating so much. So I would make the decision to go on a diet, limiting the calories I took in, upping the fruits and veggies, and at least attempting to work out. This literally always lead to my brain and my body going 100% mental. It also always lasted about a day. By morning 2, I would slap myself in the face and try to get back to normal eating and living. But Day 1... It was a total shit show. It went a little something like this:
7:00AM- Wake up. Already hungry. What can I eat? Fuck, I'm on a diet. Is it too early for a grilled cheese? Drink Diet Coke.
8:00AM- Eat a cup of grapes. Grapes make me more hungry. I'm starving! How is it only 8:00? Maybe I passed out and it's actually 8:00 at night. THEN WHY IS IT LIGHT OUT?!
9:00AM- I can do this. Please- it's Day 1. This is easy! Drink another Diet Coke.
10:00AM- I'M GOING TO KILL EVERYONE ON EARTH AND EAT THEIR SOULS!!!! Chew gum. Try to zone out watching TV.
11:00AM- I want to die. Can someone just kill me? I'm normally not even hungry at 11:00. What's wrong with me? Maybe I should go to a doctor. Start going into the kitchen, planning what I'm going to eat for lunch.
12:00PM- IT'S NOON- THAT MEANS IT'S SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE TO EAT LUNCH! I WANT TO EAT UNTIL MY STOMACH EXPLODES!!!! Eat a Lean Cuisine in 30 seconds flat. Stare at my clean plate. Want to die. Drink a Diet Coke.
1:00PM- I feel okay. Like, maybe I can make it if I go to bed at 5:00. I need to catch up on sleep anyway. Continue watching TV, trying to move as little as possible to "conserve energy."
2:00PM- Fuck it. I need a cookie. That's okay, right? What would Bethenny Frankel say? Shit, there's something wrong with me. Drink coffee. Resist cookie.
3:00PM- What have I even accomplished today? I've been watching the Food Network for 5 hours, salivating to the point of dehydration. Jesus. Eat an apple. Call my Mom to complain. She tells me I'm an idiot and to eat something substantial. VETO! God, she just doesn't care AT ALL about me!!!! Why doesn't anyone understand me?!?!?!
4:00PM- Should I work out? I think that might actually kill me. Just focus on living through the day. Just... don't... die... Drink water. Take a nap instead of working out.
5:00PM- Nap. Dream of Paula Deen.
6:00PM- Wake up. Ravenous. Think about eating my own arm before getting out of bed. Resist the urge because I don't want to lose any of my tattoos. Stare at the fridge for 20 minutes. Is this what children in Africa feel like?....... I'm a horrible person. Did God or whoever hear me thinking that? Wait. Did he just hear me think that?!?! This is a vicious circle! I'm definitely going to hell.
7:00PM- Mom is cooking dinner. I scream at her for making a cream based pasta sauce. Try to resist her delicious food. You can do it. YOU'VE COME SO FAR!!!! Even if this has been the worst day of your life, it's worth it! STAY STRONG!
8:00PM- Just finished eating 3 bowls of pasta, a microwavable burrito, 2 Diet Cokes and 6 cookies. I'm going to puke. I'M SO FULL! I feel like I just ate enough to feed a small army. Why do I do this to myself?! I feel chunks rising...
9:00PM- Hungry again. I want ice cream. No a bagel. No a cupcake. All three together? Eat another 4 cookies.
10:00PM- If my stomach explodes, do I die instantly or will I suffer? Just make it quick and painless, Jesus!
11:00PM- BED. Too full and gross feeling to even stay awake. I think I gained a pound.
Here's the honest truth- I 100% eat better when I'm not focusing on dieting. Whenever I used to get it in my little brain that I needed to lose weight or workout, all I wanted to do was eat. I'm a contrary son of a b like that. When I'm on a diet I literally want to kill anyone and everyone around me who can eat normally, simply because I can't. It's like my brain is taken over by some demonic being whose sole purpose is to make me want to eat, but not actually let me eat. But by the end of the day, I'm so fed up with not being fed that I end up eating everything in sight. Now, when I'm eating normally (sans diet), I do actually start ever day with grapes and a Diet Coke, followed by a semi-small lunch. It's just the fact that I can't eat when on a diet that actually makes me want to eat. I always end up unhappy, bloated and wishing I would have never even compared myself to Adriana Lima in the first place. So fuck diets. Right? Waste of a life, I say.