Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Titanic: Now & Then

Last night, I hit up a showing of Titanic in 3D with my friends Amanda & Adrienne. While I loved every minute of it, I spent a lot of the movie remembering my initial reactions to the film. I was 9 when it first came out, and vividly remember seeing it in the theater, most definitely too young to understand what was happening. These memories flooded my brain as I watched Leonardo DiCaprio act through a pound of foundation, and Kate Winslet be prettier than I will ever be on my best day. I couldn't help but remember all my thoughts from back in the day, which now of course seem insane. So I put together a little list of my recollection of my 9-year-old thoughts, and my 23-year-old reactions. I think I might have been smarter at 9 than I am now. Not sure though- just a theory I'm working on.

Re: Rose/Kate Winslet's Body/Wardrobe
9-year-old- This lady is SUPER pale. Gross. Like, why didn't then get someone who was tan? Everyone knows the prettiest people in the world are tan! And what's that thing they're putting on her? That looks uncomfortable. It's making her look all skinny. Are they breaking her bones?!?!?! All her clothes look like you can't even do anything in them. She can't even play! How are you supposed to run around and have fun in those dresses? Ugh, this just isn't practical.
23-year-old- Homegirl's body is BANGING! Kate's definitely skinnier now, but her body is on point in this movie. She has perfect curves. Her skin is flawless. Like, I think she might have a disease that makes her skin perfect. Is that possible? Oh, and the corsets... Can I just start wearing those under everything, please? I could fool people into thinking I have a really skinny torso and HUGE arms. Like a cartoon character called "Fun House Mirror Girl" or something. There's a comic book in there somewhere. Also, I would like to sell every single one of her dresses in my shop, please. Intricate beading and uncomfortable trains? Don't mind if I do! Semi-related- was she supposed to be an actual ginger? Did we get confirmation on if the carpet matches the drapes? How did I not notice this before?

Re: Leonardo DiCaprio/His Hotness
9-year-old- Wait wait wait. Isn't this the handicapped kid from What's Eating Gilbert Grape? Whatever. He's tan. I like that. And blonde. I like that, too. {Side note- I wanted to be a Barbie as a child. So stereotypical.}
23-year-old- Alright, seriously? I feel like we, as a country, didn't appreciate what we had when we had young Leo in our films. Like, we should have been showering him with love, gifts, sexual favors and basically anything the man wanted. He was perfection. The hair. The eyes. The lips. SWOON AND A HALF! And he's all beautiful and skinny. GUH. Perfect. I never realized how gorgeous he was. I mean he's okay now and everything, but back then he was like a total dreamboat. I'm setting sail on the SS DiCaprio. Who's with me?! (Oh yeah, I made that joke. And I'm only 95% embarrassed about it. Deal with it.)

Re: Rose's Life

9-year-old- Okay, this girl has a horrible life. She has to wear clothes that are uncomfortable, she never gets to play outside and she has NO friends! Plus she has to marry that mean guy. She should probably run away from home. That would solve all her problems. At least she's on a boat. That looks like fun. I've never been on a boat.
23-year-old- Girl. Your decision making process is out of control. You get bored at dinner, so you're going to throw yourself off the back of a boat? Let's 5150 this bitch and get her in a psych ward. Why can't you just suck it up, enjoy your fancy life and start drinking a lot during the day like I do in my dream life?! God, Rose. Why do you have to go and ruin a good thing? I mean, Leo's hot and all. But you can have your cake and eat it, too! (Which is to say that you can hire him to be your personal portrait artist and have lots of sexytimes with him on the sly. Cal would NEVER know.) Whatever, doesn't matter. He dies with the ship. Moving on.

Re: The separation of classes on the boat
9-year-old- WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?! Why do they make those people work below deck in that dirty steam room thing? That seems like it should be illegal. It's not fair! Is this like slavery or something? UGH- and they closed the gate on them and they TOTALLY died. How is that allowed?! They're people, too!!!! And the way they treat Jack at dinner is SO rude. What gives them the right to be so mean?! I don't like those rich people. The poor people look like they're more fun anyway.
23-year-old- Meh, it happens. Good thing it's not 1912 anymore. If I'm going to start fighting for someone's rights, it's not going to be white people from the early 1900s who are already dead. Moot point.

Re: the sex scene in the car
9-year-old- What are they doing?! Why is the car all foggy?! I don't understand. It doesn't look fun at all. One of them is clearly asking for help with their hand on the window. I'm confused.
23-year-old- Who needs porn when you've got Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio getting it on in the back of an old timey car?!?!!? Do you think we could pay them to get married in real life and have a reality show documenting their love?

Re: Rose jumping off the lifeboat to be with Leo as the boat sinks
9-year-old- I would do that for my Mommy.
23-year-old- There is literally not a human alive that I would do that for- mainly out of laziness. I know that if I made some giant leap from a lifeboat back onto the ship, I'd end up belly flopping into the ocean. Also, it would have been SO much easier if she just stayed on the lifeboat. He dies anyway! The ending would have been the same, just less romantic... And I'm single because WHY?!

Re: the ending
9-year-old- Why would that old lady throw the diamond into the ocean? She could make lots of money off of it.
23-year-old- Why would that old lady throw the diamond into the ocean? She could make a fuck ton of money off of it. Also, that necklace is ugly as shit. You could buy like millions of cuter Forever 21 necklaces for the price of that bad larry. Come on now. (Seriously, these are things that I think. Is there something wrong with me?)


  1. haha yep this is pretty accurate! I saw it when I was like 6 and I think I just mentally blocked the second half. Also, I want to see this again, is the 3D tastefully done?


  2. Haha Oh my god I love this! This is so true.

  3. Oh man I actually laughed out loud twice reading this! 'for the price of that bad larry'! Bahaha!

  4. So funny! lol You are making me feel extra old! I was 19 when Titanic came out. I was too jaded and horny to have any of those hilarious kid thoughts. This is still playing right by my house. I should go see it tomorrow while my rugrats are at school. Did you ever watch Revolutionary Road to try to recapture some of the Leonardo/Kate magic? It was so sad it made me vomit. Skip it. Waah.

  5. Haha funny! I was 14 when Titanic came out.I did CRY during whole movie. I'm scaref it will happen again. I need to see it now anyway...please pleaaaase someone tell French people that they NEED to start showing movies in english,they dub everything. I wonder how Leo sounds as french dude.

  6. I'm still laughing. I really can't miss seeing it in 3D

  7. OMG I love everything about this. I wanted to see it again {I was 10 when it came out}, but now I must.

  8. Im crying. Literally, crying right right now, tears are pouring out of my eyes and I'm making that weird seal sound you make when your laughing too hard. I'm pretty sure I said the same thing about her paleness, but hold the phone for a sec because guess what? I've never watched the whole movie. I wasn't allowed when it came out. I know. I'm so deprived.

  9. Now, when I saw Titanic again (curled up in bed 'cause with 3 kids I never get to go to the movies anymore and honestly I'd probably fall asleep ;) ) a few weeks ago as I had it on dvd I had thoughts like...

    Rose and the steamy hand print on the car window- Then: Wow! The passion!! Now: Wow! It's a good thing she caught herself 'cause she probably wouldn't have made it with a concussion.

    Rose and the spin around Irishy dance- Then: How fun! Now: I wonder how many times they had to stop filming for one of them to throw up.

    Rose and her flighty self- Then: How romantic he's distracting her. Now: Seriously? Shut up whining. I'm close to shoving your butt off the edge. But first...can I have your outfit? Really it'd make my boobs look good after nursing 3 kids for ever.

    Naked painting-Then: Wow...lying there naked in front of this guy and having a PAINTING done?! I'll never be naked so that it's recordable. Now: 3 kids, 3 births, 3 children who nursed...I think my vulva and nipples have had more exposure on film than my face has. How sad is it that I'm comfy showing (well really I didn't care who saw my vagina at that point as long as they didn't prevent the baby being born) my vagina and nipples over my natural (no makeup) face. (lots of adorable toothless milky smiles which hurt like HELL as they don't let go of your nipple to see what that flashy thing is daddy or mil has in hand. SERIOUSLY delatch kid!!!)

    Old couple on the bed- Then: (tears) they're dying together! So sweet! Now: (tears) I wonder if our retirement savings will ever allow us to have the chance to board an expensive ship when we're really old and drown on it. And,I wonder if Ben would be sweet enough to knock me out first. 'Course it'd be a gentler death to go out and hang onto something until we fell asleep due to the hypothermia so we'd simply drown peacefully. (I've become morose as I've gotten older but I really am not into pain when there's a less painful option by simply relocating.)

    Door floating on the water scene- Then: oh my gosh...(tears) that's so beautiful! The love! To give one's life for your loved one! Now: BRAT! Seriously, you could have moved over! You could have taken turns! You can't tell me that he wouldn't still be alive and warm IN the water by simply floating on his back and receiving a little...oral love. What guy wouldn't live the night through for that and NOT feel the cold? Selfish brat. Maybe they tried but her chattering teeth was a turn off?

    Old lady smiling as she dies- Then: She's smiling 'cause she gets to go to the place where they all died? How is this being portrayed as Heaven for her? Now: Yep...still don't get the ending...


  10. All I have to say is that I want a disease that gives me perfect skin.

  11. Haha this is brillaint. I am totally with you about Leo - he was so hot then! And I would have sold the jewels. After all some arse is just gonna find them and sell them anyway. I never understood why Rose/Kate didn't shift her ass over and let Leo on the make-shift raft? OK he wouldn't have died and the ending would be messed up, but come on it has to be partially believable!

  12. Oh my god, this is THE funniest fucking post ever. I seriously had to laugh super quietly because my fiance is sleeping on the couch but I died. Love Titanic. I still think Leo was so hot in that movie.


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