Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Faux Life Coach {How To Get Guys to Stop Hitting On You}

Remember when I used to do regular features and actually stick to somewhat of a blogging timeline? Yeah, me neither. But the other day I started missing some of my old favorites- namely, Faux Life Coach. This is a little feature in which I tell you how to live, because I'm REALLY good at living. Basically, free advice. It's like free candy- just take it, don't ask questions. My first piece of free advice is this: try to not take everything too seriously- namely a lot of the stuff I say on this blog. I'm mean, do you know who I am as a person? I spent a solid hour this morning listening to Hannah Montana. Not Miley Cyrus... Hannah Montana. There's a difference, and if you don't know it- you should be extremely proud of yourself as a human. Okay, now onto the real shit...

Guys, I know I'm not a woman of many skills. I can't rollerblade, I can't ice skate, I can't play any musical instruments, I can't hold long conversations with old people, I can't even pull off harem pants!!!! These are just truths about myself I've come to accept. But there are a few little things in life that I can do exceptionally well. Eating a family size box of Kraft Mac & Cheese, sleeping in, knowing that Justin Timberlake's favorite color is baby blue, wearing jorts, etc... We all have our skills, and I've learned to embrace mine. They might not be conventional, useful or even actual skills- but damn it, I'll take what I can get. My favorite of faux skills I've acquired over the years has to be my ability to drive (scare) men (boys) away with a speed that can only be described as akin to Keanu Reeves' bus driving in the movie Speed. So like at just above 50 MPH, which is like slow on the express way, but still fast for like residential neighborhoods. You know?

There are two situations in which one might need to fend off fellas- 1. You've managed to start dating or, what the children like to call "talking," to a gentleman suitor who you soon come to realize is so repulsive, he makes your vagina close up like an episode of 16 and Pregnant. 2. You're minding your bidness up in the club (please don't go to clubs) and some rando dude accosts you, starts talking to you and asks you buy you a drink. While you would love a thirst quenching beverage, you would also like to avoid roofies and this guy looks like he owns a trench coat and lives alone in what can only be described as a lair of loneliness, so you need to skillfully free yourself from his creepy stare & awkward conversation. {Or maybe you just want to spend a night at the bar/club/whatever hanging with your friends and not faking conversations with someone who only knows Paula Abdul as a former American Idol judge. (SERIOUSLY- if I meet one more guy who doesn't know the lyrics to "Straight Up" I'm going to kill someone... Fingers crossed, I'm going to end up married to a gay man... Dream a dream.)} Since I'm much better at solving problem #2, that's what we're going to delve into today. STRAP IN, PEOPLE. This is going to get messy. (Okay, not really. It's just a blog.)

They always start with something like this- "Hey. I like your tattoos (or hair, or smile, or face, or eyes)." If you indulge this, he will offer to buy you a drink & murder you in the alley behind the bar. (Um, not really. But that's what I like to think so I get the balls to not try to befriend this random character simply out of Midwestern politeness.) Then, you hit him with one of these following scenarios...

1. "OH. MY. GAW. You look just like my cousin Billy Ray! Cute as the dickens!! Well he's actually my second cousin once removed. We dated all throughout high school. He was real cute. I bet I have a picture of him somewhere in my pocketbook. You know, funny story- we almost got hitched back in the day, but then my Momma ended up marryin' his Poppa, and they forbid it. Didn't stop us from gettin' it on in the back of his Chevy like two rabbits fixin' to make bunnies! I bet you're just as good in the sack as good ole Billy Ray. Whatchu think, should we git outta here? I'm stayin' at this Motel 6 up the river for a little bit 'fore I git situated here in town. HAY! You wanna be my official tour guide?!"

This is my go-to. Like, sometimes I slip into this character just for fun. It's my absolute favorite because it lends itself to the funniest evenings. No matter where you are, just act like you're from out of town. In New York, I always used to act like I was from Alabama and only once had someone call me out on my accent. This dude said he had family in Alabama and my accent sounded more like Louisiana. I then proceeded to get really wide-eyed and say "Are yew callin' me a liar?! I'LL KILL YEW!!!" over and over again. Anyway, the crazier you're willing to make yourself sound, the faster they will run away. It's amazing.

2. "I'm sorry, what?.... What? I can't hear you!...  What?!?!?!?!.... WHAT? I can't hear you!!!!!... WHAT?! I'm 95% deaf. SORRY! Look, there's a pretty girl!" (and run.)

This one works, but it's not that fun and potentially rude to deaf people. But you know, whatever. No one likes talking to someone who can't hear them. It's really annoying and not worth it. It helps if, as you're yelling "WHAT?!" you squint at him as if to say "I forgot my glasses at home" and then maybe throw in a comment about losing your hearing in Vietnam. He'll think you're deranged and set his sights much higher.

3. "Hi, you look like a nice man but, I'm saving myself for marriage." (Note: I'm not actually saving myself for marriage.)

Okay, honestly I've only used this a couple times. Once because I was in a bad mood and the guy actually did look like he would murder me in an alley. It usually works because it makes you look like such a bitch, guys just don't want to talk to you. Assuming that the only reason that a dude wants to talk to you is to get in your pants, while definitely a safe bet, is also super rude. The alternative is that they actually believe you're telling the truth and then want to talk to you all about your virginity. That happened to me once, and the dude turned out to be friends with my friends. I was combining it with a bit of scenario #1, so to this day a little pocket of my friends' friends think that I'm a southern virgin who LOVES telling stories about life back home on the ranch. I'm pretty proud of that.

4. "Oh, yikes. Sorry but you've got a bat in the cave. Ewwww... That's embarrassing!" (Obvi as you point to his nose and hand him a napkin.)

This one is kind of mean, but also amazing. I prefer to make myself look crazy as opposed to making dudes feel like shit. I mean after all, they're working up the courage to talk to a pretty girl at a bar, they deserve some points for that. But sometimes I like to throw this move into the mix just so I'm not 100% convinced that I'm actually the craziest person alive. You can't really rebound from boogers, so he'll definitely leave you alone after this one.

5. "Hi. Thank you. That's very sweet of you to say. Would you like to buy me a beer?" (chug said beer.) "That was delicious. Thank you SO much! By the way you're looking at me and stroking my leg, I feel like I should tell you that I'm a lesbian... And no, you can't watch." (And walk away back to your friends.)

Again, rude but effective. Sometimes you just need a free beer, ya know? Look, I'm not above it. DON'T GIVE ME JUDGEMENT EYES! This move should only be attempted by a true professional, and only if people sometimes call you a bitch behind your back. That's how you know you're ready for an advanced move such as this. This scenario will either result in him getting mad and telling all of his friends what you did, leaving the bar to plan how he's later going to murder you on your way to your car, or move on to prey on some other unsuspecting female at the bar. No matter what, the dude has no way to prove whether or not you're lying, so he's probably not going to press his luck. Even if he thinks you are lying, he'll realize you're trying to blow him off and let you flee back to the safety of your amigos.

6. In this final scenario, you preempt the initial creepy man approach by wearing a fanny pack to the bar and/or a crew neck sweatshirt that says "World's Best Grandma." And do your best to not look like an ironic hipster, but like you REALLY are an amazing Grandma who likes keeping her most prised posessions in a mini-bag around her hips. (A side effect of this move is that you could potentially become a person who unironically wears fanny packs. Slippery slope, my friends)

So now that you're all convinced that I'm an evil human being who hates all men, I think my work here is done. Really, some dudes at bars are nice & totally deserve a shot. I know of at least two "We met in a bar" success stories. So sometimes it's worth playing nice and actually getting to know the dude. But if you have a boyfriend, are in the middle of a GNO (girls night out), have a weird rash on your ass that you need to get looked at by a professional before you hook up with a dude, or just simply don't feel like being hit on by a random guy at a bar- these little tips will surely send him in the opposite direction. I've tried them all and I'm still single, and more importantly alive. No back alley murders for this lady. Anyway, definitely test these scenarios out next time your trying to get away from a creepy dude at a bar. They work for me and I'm like, totes really pretty. SO UH, YOU'RE WELCOME.


  1. Oh my god woman, you are hilarious. I need you in my life and at my desk while I'm trying to force funny into my writing.

    1. GIRL, you are amazing & funny. SRSLY. Thank you <3


  2. Amazing post, I lol'ed for a long time when I read the cousin billy ray one. Love your writing :)

  3. okay i aint even gona lie, this is the funniest shit EVER! haha great blog post, great feature anddd yes hannah montana baby!! :) X

    1. YESSS!!! Anyone that loves Hannah is awesome in my book :)

  4. I would actually provide a legit comment but I'm too busy LOLing at this! You are for realz amazing.

  5. OK, so I read this yesterday while at work and it was torture. Not laughing was physically painful. You're a champ!


    1. It's always my goal to make my readers as physically uncomfortable as possible. GOAL ACCOMPLISHED!!!


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