Friday, May 18, 2012

I Have A Serious Girl Boner For Apple


{Which is to say- why I love Apple more than I love most humans. In my ranking of things I love in life it goes 1. Apple, 2. All Real Housewives shows, 3. Diet Coke, 4. 90s Music, 5. Actual Humans.}

Bad news bears- earlier this week, my MacBook Pro started freaking out on me. It randomly shut off and when I restarted it, the date said 2001. FALSE, GIRL. It's 2012, and you know it! Don't play dumb with me- I'm not afraid to slap a bitch! Immediately I knew this was a bigger problem than I wanted to admit, but I proverbially closed my eyes, plugged my ears and screamed "LALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" at my poor little laptop. I didn't want to believe she was actually sick. Well, then the bitch came back at me swinging. The next day, she decided to stop charging. Oh girl, don't EVEN try to play hardball with me. At first I thought it was maybe just the charger that was fucked up, but then I remembered the whole shutting down randomly & inability to identify the correct year like a damn Alzheimer patient... My girl was on the fritz, for sure.

If I didn't have an Apple product, this whole ordeal would have been a MUCH bigger problem. But because I love Steve Jobs and everything he ever created, I'm a Mac girl through & through. Not knowing what the fuck my computer was doing, I immediately booked an appointment at the Genius Bar in Ann Arbor. As I walked in, I felt like I was walking my poor Lappy (as in Laptop... I'm obviously 8-years-old) to her funeral. For the sake of transparency, let me just tell you guys that I was literally sitting there waiting for my appointment to start, nearly having an anxiety attack. As a person who has never before had an anxiety attack and actually has no idea what they feel like, I feel pretty confident in this assertion. My palms were practically dripping with sweat. I had to literally press on my chest to relieve the tension I was feeling- picked that up from a movie or Grey's Anatomy or something. Whatever. It really works- at least for fake anxiety attacks. ANYWAY. An amazing human soon came to help me and acted like he couldn't even tell that I was minutes away from shoving my head through a desktop monitor for relief. He ended up doing all this fancy technology stuff that I didn't really understand, installing updates and fixing my dear little Lappy up to tip top shape. Oh, and get this- he gave me a new charger. HELLS YEAH! My old charger had frayed on the inside of the chord, and apparently Apple has a policy that if that happens, you get your chord replaced automatically, even if it isn't under warranty. LIKE A BOSS! I almost made out with the dude just because I was so excited. I was NOT looking forward to paying nearly $80 for a new charger. God, I love getting free stuff.

Everyone at the Genius Bar was super nice and honestly just made the whole experience amazing. I couldn't have asked for more. I left there practically doing cartwheels. I went from anxiety stricken to ecstatic in a matter of minutes. This is why Apple is the greatest company EVER. I don't want to be hyperbolic or anything- BUT SERIOUSLY. I am so happy to have Lappy back up and running perfectly and a brand new charger for her. In honor of this, I've put together a silly little list of the reasons I love Apple so much, I simply had to blog about it. I just think we use their products so much and take for granted all that they do for us. Their shit may cost a little extra, but they're well worth it. It's like buying the expensive hooker instead of the cheap one. You really get what you pay for. STD free or riddled with the herp- your choice!!! Apple is just like the classiest of classy hookers, ya know? I just love Apple & all their products so effing much. SO HERE ARE SOME OF MY REASONS I LOVE YOU, APPLE! {Not included on the list, but probably should be: what a total hottie Steve Jobs was.}

1. Products last for years-  Even when you want your iPhone to die so you have an excuse to upgrade and finally get Siri, your 3 year old beater iPhone is still clinging on for dear life. Her screen has been partially cracked for a year, but she's still performing like she did back in her debut year. SHE JUST WON'T DIE!!!! {Sometimes this is a bad thing, but mostly it's awesome. Durability, dudes.}

2. Well deserved superiority complex- As an Apple user, you automatically get to make PC users feel like shit. Even if you don't mean to, you just do. {I have to use a PC at work and have for years, so I'm not fully Mac all the time even though I would love to be. So PC users, I feel your pain somewhat here.} Apple products are so extremely superior, we really don't even have to defend them anymore. Now it's like "Wait, you really want to debate me on why I think my MacBook is better than your Toshiba? Like, for LOLs? Oh, you're serious? Um... tell you what- let me just end this fight right now. My Mac is better than your Toshiba because IT IS. We're done here." It's not even a contest anymore. Apple products beat everything else ever. iPhone was really the trump card here. Even my PC loving friends can't help but admit that the iPhone is the greatest invention of our time. I mean, come on guys- we even have Draw Something. A-duh!

3. New products every 5 minutes- The geniuses at Apple just keep on coming out with new shit you never even knew you needed! The first time I saw the iPad, I was like "Ah, they've finally slipped up and made a lame product. Bummer. Oh well, no one can have a perfect track record." OH, CAN'T THEY?!! Within a month, I was convinced that the iPad was the single most genius invention, and something that I couldn't understand how humans ever lived without. "Wait a minute. What if you wanted something LIGHTER than your laptop to take with you into the bathroom while you're pooping? No, like last year- what would you have done? HOW DID YOU LIVE LIKE THAT?!?!!?!?" Seriously, Steve Jobs always knew what we never needed but always wanted.

4. PRETTY, SHINY THINGS!- Um, everything they make is pretty. Really. Their design aesthetic is bomb. Crisp, clean and beautiful. No, HP, I don't need a bright pink laptop with butterflies on it. Thanks though. I'll stick with baller ass silver and a noticeable lack of butterflies. HOLLER.

5. Genius Bar- When my PC at work breaks, I feel like I'm always like "Ah, to be expected" or something like that. It's just what happens. But when a Mac breaks- they have a whole service for you to use to get your products back up and running. It's like they know their shit shouldn't break (and it rarely does) but if it happens to freak out on you, they've got you covered. And sometimes they even have cute boys to fix your shit! I mean, a huge thank you to Steve Jobs for that one. A lot of other companies would say that if your shit isn't under warranty, you're fucked. They can't do anything for you. But Apple says "fuck the warranty, bitch!" and gets your little technological marvel back in working order. Swoon.

If Apple were a human being, I would make sweet sweet love to it, but not before poking holes in the condom and hoping to get pregnant. LOTS OF APPLE BABIES FOR EVERYONE!!!! So have I sufficiently pissed off every PC user on the planet? Not my intention, but a happy accident none the less :) {Just kidding, ladies & dudes. If you're a die hard PC user, I feel for you. Eventually you'll see the error of your ways and come to love Apple products like the rest of us intelligent humans.}

19 comments:

  1. Hahaha. Oh, Carmen. Your writing never ceases to entertain me. My Mac laptop is six years old and still running like a champ. Definitely worth the extra cash. Also, I love it when old ladies at Starbucks ask me how I made my computer white. Technology is a magical thing.

    http://viennawaitsblog.blogspot.com/

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    1. Thank you, lovey! They are definitely worth the extra cashola. Six years is impressive!!

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  2. right from my heart are these words you wrote ;)

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  3. Haha my husband just got on my laptop and gave me a worried look saying...'this girl has a boner for apple?' ...you didn't piss us off...you just made us want to throw our computers out of the window. :)

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    1. Hahahaha that's hysterical! Happy to worry your husband anytime :)

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  4. i agree, your writing just gives me lots of giggles.. i want a macbook in my life, apple for the win! X

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  5. I feel the same way. my MBP is the best thing I've ever done :3

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  6. Apple Girl Forever, right here!

    "baller ass silver"

    I'm dying<333. so good.

    http://youandthemoon.blogspot.com

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  7. chord/kôrd/
    Noun:

    A group of (typically three or more) notes sounded together, as a basis of harmony.
    A straight line joining the ends of an arc.

    cord/kôrd/
    Noun:
    Long thin flexible string or rope made from several twisted strands.

    Love your blog. Shit like that just grates on me. <3

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  8. once you go mac you never go back.

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  9. I don't have a mac, personally, they confuse the crap out of me. I DO however have an iPod touch (I'm not cool enough for an iPhone) and it's the best thing EVER!

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    1. They're definitely a little confusing at first, so I feel ya there. iPod Touch is srsly amazing! Love Steve Jobs.

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  10. Ahahahahahaha, you've successfully cracked.me.up on a day I thought it'd be impossible! Good job. And? I couldn't agree more. Also? The bit about the cord could have saved me some money recently, when I replaced my cord. That Macbook did bite the dust, though, and I am happily typing on the Macbook Air that my income tax return bought me shortly thereafter.

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    1. YESSS!! I love income tax returns SO much!!! I've always wanted to play around with the Macbook Air- they're so damn light! They fascinate me.

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  11. yesssss my little powerbook G4 has been holding on since 2005! i need to replace that thing before i go to far and loose all my saved pictures of hot dudes and recipes i'll never make, but i love it so much. apple forever!

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    1. Since 2005?! That's insane!! You must take good care of it.

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  12. YES. Ahhh, for the first year I had my Mac, I was so annoyed because it was taking time for me to adjust. Now I'm pretty sure I'm going to be a Mac girl forever, aside from using my boyfriend's old PC gaming rigs.

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    1. Yeah the transition is a bit weird, but once you're sucked in it's like you can't ever go back!

      xoxo

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  13. I've been thinking about buying a Mac for a LONG time, but my little ole PC just won't die, though it's threatened to many times. (Now that I say this, it's going to literally explode today, just watch.) It's gonna hurt spending that much money at one time, but I know it's going to be soooo worth it. I can't wait!

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Thank you for taking the time to comment! It's lovely hearing from you :)