Tuesday, May 1, 2012

An Ode To "Don't Be Tardy for the Wedding"

Okay, who out there is watching Bravo's latest television masterpiece, Don't Be Tardy for the Wedding? If you answered yes, you are either one of my best friends, a gay man, or a gay man who will soon be one of my best friends. I'm not kidding you guys, Bravo has really outdone itself with this show. If you can't guess what the show is about, you are obviously a misguided soul who hasn't devoted nearly enough time to vegging out on the couch watching fag hag porn (Bravo TV.) The premise of the show is this: Kim Zolciak, of Real Housewives of Atlanta fame and auto-tuned songstress of my heart, recently had a baby with a beautiful man named Kroy Biermann, defensive end for the Atlanta Falcons. After pushing out her son, KJ, Kroy popped the question, giving Kim the chance to finally score her own (much deserved and anticipated... by me) spin off reality TV show. {The name for the show comes from her #1 chart topping smash hit, "Don't Be Tardy for the Party." (Pretty sure the song didn't actually chart, but that's just a national tragedy that I can't even get into right now.)} Guys, this shit is straight out of my fantasies. Seriously. When shows like this come on the air, I feel like it's a personal gift from gay baby Jesus to me, his eternal fag hag. If you aren't watching this show, you are missing out big time. How do I love you, Dont Be Tardy for the Wedding? Let me count the ways.

First of all, can we talk about Kroy? This gentleman is seriously perfection. He's tall, cute, 100% muscles, a profession football player (who actually plays), an amazing father and he married someone who WEARS A WIG AND DRINKS WINE ALL THE TIME!!!! I mean, this bitch is crazy. I love her, but she be crazy. She has been known to eat pizza while undergoing a fat burning laser treatment. (Cut to me in 20 years doing the exact same thing.) I swear to God, this man was put on the Earth just to give me hope that someone someday will marry me. He puts up with so much. And when she walks out of the room, he says shit like "I miss you already." I mean... vomit. But also- AWWWW!!! Normal people might watch this show and think "Good lord, how did this man end up with such a crazy person?" But me? I think, "THEY FOUND EACH OTHER! TRUE LOVE EXISTS IN THE WORLD!!!"

Other than making me fall in love with Kroy, this show has also made me fall in love with Kim Zolciak all over again. After years of watching her fabulousness on Real Housewives of Atlanta, I am so happy she FINALLY got her own show. Now we don't have to deal with Nene's crazy ass. (JK, I have a soft spot in my heart for that ho.) But srsly, an entire series dedicated to all things Kim? I'm in heaven. She has idiotically decided that she wants to have her wedding on 11/11/11, which gives her less than two months to plan. Genius. So basically this show is Kim scrambling to put together a HUGE wedding, full of as many diamonds and rhinestones as possible, while wearing a wig. Also, at some point in the season, we FINALLY get to see Kim without a wig on. GOD HAS ANSWERED MY PRAYERS!!! I know people throw this saying around a lot, but I mean it with my whole heart: Kim Zolciak is my spirit animal. You write that on my headstone, people! MY HEADSTONE!!!!

I've decided to share my love for all things Kim Zolciak with those closest to me, most importantly- my parents. Sitting those two down to watch Don't Be Tardy for the Wedding was like some sort of bizarre social experiment gone wrong. First thing they both noticed was how young Kroy is! {He's 26. Kim's 34.}Here is a little list of some of the things they said to me throughout the show:

Mom: "He looks really young. How old is he? Why don't you know?!"
Dad: "Don't just sit there- Google it!"
Mom: "Wait a minute, why does she wear a wig? Does she have hair? Do we ever get to see her without her wig on?!"
Mom: "So you mean to tell me that she's wearing a wig right now. THAT is a wig?!"
Mom (re: Kim's wedding jumpsuit): "That's just embarrassing."
Mom: "How does she have money?! I don't understand!!! She seems to have so much of it... But how?"
Dad: "What's Kroy's last name? We'll Google his salary. What round draft pick was he?" {For those of you wondering, he was 5th round.}
Mom: "Well, her kids aren't very attractive, are they?" {LIES! They're beautiful & say things like "#1 Mom Award, right here!" to Kim. Tears... streaming down my face. But also, LOL because I like it when my Mom says offensive things.}

And there you have it. I'm pretty sure they'll be tuning in weekly, every Thursday at 9:30 for more Kim Z dramz. If you aren't already watching Don't Be Tardy for the Wedding, you had better be a straight man. Ladies, get on it. This is the best show on TV, hands down. It's a hot mess of wine, glitter, fake hair, orange skin & bleeped out curse words. Just like what Heaven looks like in my dreams... {I'm like a fucking walking billboard for this show. ANDY COHEN, WHERE'S MY PAYCHECK?!!}


  1. You're making me want to watch it, oh god. I didn't even watch Real Housewives but this just seems so interesting.
    And your parents getting in on it is just so hilarious!

  2. Fuck my lack of cable. I need to be into this. Fag hags for LIFE!

  3. omg i am crying laughing right the fuck now! love me some kim z!


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