Thursday, May 10, 2012

What I Learned from "Think Like A Man"

Earlier this week, I ventured to the cineplex to, as the Spanish say, "ver una pelicula." On this particular outing, there were slim pickings at the theater. Having already seen The Avengers, The Lucky One and Five-Year Engagement I was left with one choice- Think Like A Man. Guys... I know. Eye roll, right?! I had the same thoughts before seeing it. Really, I was anticipating a sexist movie about how crazy chicks are. Gross. UM, NO. Totally the opposite. Now, I would gladly run around Times Square proclaiming my love for this movie and shaking every woman around me by the shoulders begging her to see it. I learned SO much. I mean, really. I'm not kidding- at all. Like, it was actually extremely educational for me as a single woman. I know that should be embarrassing or something, but I DON'T CARE! Ladies- stop watching Sex & The City and start watching movies about Steve Harvey books!!! The movie is based off of Steve Harvey's book, Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man, which may or may not currently be sitting in my Amazon cart. DON'T JUDGE ME!!!! Even those of you in relationships could learn some shiz from this movie, but I kind of didn't pay attention to those parts because they don't apply AT ALL to my life. Still, we could all learn a thing or two from Steve Harvey. That sentence is so weird, I'm not even going to pause to examine how weird it is that I'm recommending that women take love advice from Family Feud. Just going to move right on... Since all of ya'll bitches probably won't get off your asses and pay $10 to see it at the theater, I'm going to share with you some of the greatest pearls of wisdom I learned from Think Like A Man. Some of the advie is straight up awesomely cray cray, but it's all pretty smart when you think about it. You're preemptively welcome, you ungrateful bitches.

1. You (apparently) make a dude like you by NOT sleeping with him right away- Talk about ass backwards thinking. I know a few people who are going to be thrown for a loop by this one, but apparently sprawling out spread eagle on the bed on the first date doesn't make a guy want to bring you home to his Mom. I KNOW. I'M SHOCKED, TOO! Okay, but really. I do think that it's hard for girls to actually understand this. Sleeping with a guy will make him like you for a night, not forever. Of course there are exceptions to every rule (as He's Just Not That Into You taught us) but those are rare. Plus a lot of women like to say things like "What about MY needs? What if I WANT to sleep with him on the first date?" No doubt, we've all been there. But just know that giving in to that desire might lead to him never calling your ass again. Again, not earth shattering news, but it's kind of refreshing to have someone slap you in the face with it. Like- DUH! Also, Steve Harvey calls our vaginas "the cookie" and tells us that "all guys want is the cookie" and not to "give up the cookie" too soon. That whole thing is just really confusing to me. Like, I LOVE cookies. I want to eat cookies all the time- chocolate chip, oatmeal rasin, sugar cookies, Girl Scout cookies. ALL OF THEM! But then when I have to associate those delicious treats with lady bits, my head gets all confused. I love cookies, but I don't love cookies, if you know what I mean. ANYWAY. Giving up your cookie to early won't make guys actually like you. Thus, rule #2...

2. No sex for the first 90 days (also known as 3 months)- Apparently at Ford Motors- where our great love guru, Mr. Steve Harvey, used to work- they keep you on probation for the first 90 days. It's like a trial period. Your health benefits don't kick in until after those first 90 days. Well, Mr. Harvey wants us ladies to treat our cookies just like Ford Motors treats their employees. No benefits for the first 90 days. In case 90 days isn't a clear amount of time to you, let me break it down better for you- if you met someone tomorrow, you would have to wait until July to have sex with them. THAT'S RIGHT. Seems like FOREVER, right?! Now, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that. Do your thing with your body with whoever you want, wait however long you want. But 90 days is like a long time. That's 3 whole periods! You could be 1/3 of the way through pregnancy in that amount of time! I find the idea kind of shocking... And that's how I know Steve Harvey is probably right about this one. It seems so crazy, he has to be on to something. The logic is that a dude should want to stick around without the "benefits package" for at least 90 days, at which point he will respect you & like you for you. I get it. I mean, we want guys to actually like us, cause we're awesome. Don't be spreadin' your legs immediately for a dude you want to actually care about you & respect you.

3. Don't be a chirp chirp girl- Potentially my favorite rule ever. When a guy unlocks his car "chirp chirp!" and you just open the door for yourself- you're a chirp chirp girl. I COULDN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP- THE MAN IS A GENIUS. Basically, homeboy should have enough respect for you to open the door. I mean, I'm all for feminism- just because I have a vag doesn't mean I can't open a damn door. Christ. But also, it's nice to have someone open the door for you, regardless of their gender. Just yesterday I held the door open for a woman at the post office and she was so appreciative. It's just nice!! So if you expect things like having the door opened for you, dudes will hopefully step up to the plate. If not, he's not worth it. BOOM! Just like that.

4. Don't Be A Sports Fish, Be A Keeper- As someone who has never fished before in her life, I'm a little bit out of my depth here. But apparently when you go fishing there are two different kinds of fish- the sports fish, that you catch to show off to your friends and brag about but end up throwing back, and the keeper fish, that you catch and take home to cook. Again, kind of confused because you want to be the keeper fish but if so, you end up dead and eaten. But I don't think that's the point. I guess you like take the keeper fish home & cook her for your Mom or whatever so that's good. I obviously take things too literally. We aren't actually fish. Point is that guys see girls in one of two ways and you want to be seen as a keeper, so you have to set standards. According to Dr. Harvey (he's not really a doctor) we have the power to define ourselves as keepers or sports fish. Also, we hold all the power because we have the cookie. Or whatever. We just have to set standards. I know I sound like a major wang, but it's like he's saying things that are totally common sense, BUT IN SUCH A BETTER WAY THAN I EVER COULD!

4. Kevin Hart is mad funny- Okay really, I almost peed myself in the theater from laughing so hard at this dude. Not even embarrassed about it. If you haven't watched his specials on Netflix, you're missing out. I want to figure out a way to become his best friend.

5. Turtle from Entourage got mad hot- No JK, he's super sexy now. I'm hardcore crushing on him. His character was kind of whatever in the movie, but he looked so good! He's a little short, but I could get right with that because he's so damn cute. When did this happen?! Is he single? Can we get married? NO 90 DAY RULE IF THE GUY IS SUPER HOT, RIGHT DR. HARVEY!?!?!?

Really, Dr. Harvey (don't even know if he went to college) probably needs to move in with me and tell me everything I'm doing wrong with guys. If he met this bag of crazy, he'd probably run in the opposite direction. I wouldn't blame him either. His advice in this movie (and I'm assuming in the book) isn't all that revolutionary, but sometimes it's nice to hear. Common sense isn't all that common sometimes- especially when it comes to dudes. It comes down to this- treat yourself with respect, have standards & don't give away the cookie for free. THANK YOU, STEVE HARVEY. Srsly, this movie was amazing and hilarious. Normally I wouldn't even see it just because I'm judgey like that and thought the name of the movie was stupid- but judgey wudgey was a bear or whatever & being judgey sucks. So go see it.
Anybody else see it & love it like I did? Or do you just think I'm insane now?


10 comments:

  1. I would just like to point out that there ARE good guys out there and you WILL find one.
    I've always been the type of girl who didn't care if she had a boyfriend or not. He would find me when the time was right. I met my boyfriend at school a year and a half ago and we have been together for six months. We are still waiting to have sex because for personal reasons, I don't want to until after marriage and he's okay with that. He always opens doors for me and calls me every night so we can fall asleep on the phone together. I've been sick for the past week or so, and he's been coming over to sit with me so I don't get entirely bored, which is super sweet of him. All I can say is he is amazing and I KNOW he loves me for me. You will find someone who is perfect for you one day. You just have to be patient.

    Oh and follow these rules! They are wonderful.

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    1. You're SO right! I'm SO happy you found the right guy for you. The fact that he hangs out with you and takes care of you when you're sick is pretty much the most adorable thing in the world. Love!!!

      xoxo

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  2. Blech. I pretty much hated all of this.

    If a guy likes you, he likes you. It doesn't matter when you sleep with him, it doesn't matter if you open your own door or not. It. Doesn't. Matter.

    If people would start being honest with themselves and others then all of the mind games would be revealed to be as INSANE as they are.

    Sorry - I just get pretty passionate about people who write dating books about how to "play the player" etc etc.

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    1. Totally get what you're saying. I agree that everyone should be as honest as possible when dating. But I also think that's probably easier said than done. All of my guy friends are just as worried about texting a girl too soon after a date as my girl friends are about responding too quickly.

      Dating can be really messy & everyone has their own opinions. Different strokes for different folks & all that good stuff.

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  3. I love this. It's so true -but so many people honestly just don't see it. Also, I see Alexis' point above, but also I see how soooo many guys need to step it up. And if we don't let them know what our standards/expectations of them are, they aren't going to rise to them. ....And I totally love your writing Carmen. That's all.

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    1. You, my dear, just made my day. Thank you :)

      xoxo

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    2. I will add the caveat that I have one of the EASIEST relationships with my husband ever. Before that, there was lots of bullshit.

      So I guess, I just think it SHOULD be easy. If it's not easy, it's not right. Points well taken!

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  4. I love this too. If you believe that men and women are different (and I do) then understanding each other is SO helpful in establishing relationships. Steve Harvey and your great blog post are just one way of saying that women 'may choose' to set expectations for how we want to be treated and if we set them, men may just rise up to meet them. Some may see that as game playing but for me, its just smart living! Different strokes, right? Well done - you enlightened and made me laugh.

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  5. Well I totes saw this movie BUT I saw illegal. (shh! don't tell the feds)Anyways, I thought it was okay. I do agree that Kevin Hart was too funny. Like OMG! But I guess what I got from the movie is that woman should value themselves before a guy can ever value them. WHOA! Hard to do for some women. The 90 day rule was kinda insane. Okay it wasn't sooo insane but that's a long time. I'd probably give in...nah. I wouldn't. I have strong will power. Anyways, good movie. I give it 3.5 stars out of 5.

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    1. I probably should have read this comment before posting it. I'm such a dork. D:

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