Friday, June 1, 2012
Top 5 Reasons I Should Be The Fourth Kardashian
This prolonged love story of mine has led me to one conclusion. I firmly believe that I should be the fourth Kardashian sister. Yes, I know Kendall and Kylie are technically their sisters, too. But they're Jenners, so like eff them, right? (If you don't watch the show, you have no idea what I'm talking about. And that's okay. I don't like you anyway, so whatevs.) I realize the notion of a fourth Kardash sis would be majorly world altering for all reality TV aficionados. Trust me, I'd be shocked, too. I'm certainly happy to keep watching Kim, Kourtney and Khloe get into all kinds of hysterical situations on E!. Truly, I am. However, I would fuck some bitches up if I found out there was a "secret fourth Kardashian sister" that somehow came out of hiding and wound up on the show. All I'm saying is, that could be me. I know what you're thinking- that my ass isn't nearly round enough and my makeup is too light. All fixable problems, people!!! This could be the major plot point of next season! We can even do a special- "E! True Hollywood Story: The Forgotten Kardashian Sister." Let me sell you on this.
5. I Already Know All Their Katch Phrases- So Kim, Kourt and Khlo aren't quite as quotable as Rachel Zoe, but they do have their random shit they repeat over and over again- and I know it all. "Ugh, that is so rude" is my favorite. I use it all the time and most people don't realize I'm making a KUWTK reference. STEALTH! Other notables are using "Bible!" instead of promise, saying "get over yourself!" to anyone and everyone, telling people they are "like seriously SO annoying" and "I, like, can't even handle you right now." Basically just getting upset a lot and saying hyperbolic shit.
4. I Could Easily Switch My Name from Carmen to Karmen- Like, if that isn't a sign, I don't know what is!!!! I'm totally okay with completely eliminating the letter "C" from my life. "Hi, guys. My name is Karmen and I kan't wait to finally be on kamera this season with my new family on Keeping Up With The Kardashians! I love kandy and koke products!" See? I'm a natural. For the rest of this piece, I'm only using k's for hard c's. WATCH ME!
3. I Look Alright In Leopard Print- I mean, I'm pretty sure the Kardashians are in leopard print more often than not. I'd say they spend their lives in leopard print at least 78% of the time, and the rest is a rotation of Herve Leger dresses and maxi dresses. Like, I look okay in leopard. Enough to blend in with the other three, but not good enough to dethrone them from their Queens of Leopard Print status. That's all we want in friends and family, right? People who look good, but not good enough to make us look like shit?... No? WHY DID MY PARENTS TELL ME NOT TO HANG OUT WITH UGGOS THEN?!?! (JK my parents are amazing and totally wouldn't kall people uggos. They just kalled them ugly.) (Okay, kidding again.)
2. I Kan Kreate All Kinds of Drama- Now that KUWTK is in its seventh season, they're starting to hurt for story lines. Drama doesn't just invent itself, guys. Someone needs to be there, kreating it. Before, it was Scott Disick (who should really change his name to Skott Disikk) kausing all kinds of drama dramz by drinking too much and saying offensive shit. Then it was Khloe's last minute wedding. Then it was Kim's BS wedding. Now what do they have? Bupkis. Tell ya what they need- a drama starter! I'll fake a pregnancy, kontemplate a boob job (before backing out bekause of the dangers), date a bad boy who Kris doesn't like, and maybe even try to make out with Rob, kausing friktion between the family. I'd save the damn show and keep it going for another seven seasons!
1. Bekause I'm Not Good At Anything Else- Pity party of one, plz! Kidding, of course. I'm just saying that, of all the things I'm really good at, watching reality TV is pretty high up there on the list. I mean, if that was a profession in and of itself, I'd be chomping at the bit. But unfortunately, even in the year 2012, we have yet to kreate a job out of sitting on your ass, watching Bravo and E!. Disappointing, I know. While I certainly am not bound for reality TV superstardom on my own, I am completely willing to hitch my wagon to the Kardashian star. I already know how each episode needs to ebb and flow. I know that someone has to say at least one offensive and one stupid thing per episode. I know that you have to go out to lunch to "talk things out" but leave in a huff, super offended, not even bothering to pay the bill. I know "family dinners" are just an exkuse to make fun of Kris and Bruce. I've got plenty of ammunition! Kris' inability to accept her age, Kris' uncontrollable bladder, Bruce's hair, Bruce's earrings, Bruce's existence. YOU GUYS, I'LL FIT RIGHT IN!
All I'm saying is, if we kan work this long lost sister angle, I think I'm a shoe-in. I'd also be willing to sub in as their driver and/or maid. I'm Mexican No one will notice. Someone start making some phone calls. Let's make this happen.