Friday, June 1, 2012

Top 5 Reasons I Should Be The Fourth Kardashian

Look, I understand that the Kardashians are controversial characters. That is, of course, using the term controversial loosely. They're not like Calabasas born Hitlers, and none of them have ever Casey Anthony'ed their kids or anything. So, you know, Kim, Kourtney, Khloe and the rest of the gang are not like, TERRIBLE. Sure, lots of people hate them for being extremely vapid and narcissistic. And you know what I say to those people? I HATE YOU, TOO! Okay, not really. But I probably have a lot less to talk to you about if you won't let me ramble on and on about why Khloe and Lamar have the perfect relationship. Seriously, if I could dream up my perfect love story, it's theirs. I want that fucking diamond, too. JKLOLOLOL! (But seriously.) Anyway, I digress. If you hate the Kardashians, that's totally your cross to bear. I feel bad for you because you're missing out on some amazing humans. I feel confident saying that because of all the hours of TV I've logged over the past six years. I probably know the Kardashians better than I know my family, at this point. I'M NOT ASHAMED. Those teen girls have Bieber and One Direction. Give me an Armenian family with fake drama and famewhoring. I can't get enough. I don't know why I love them, I JUST DO!!

This prolonged love story of mine has led me to one conclusion. I firmly believe that I should be the fourth Kardashian sister. Yes, I know Kendall and Kylie are technically their sisters, too. But they're Jenners, so like eff them, right? (If you don't watch the show, you have no idea what I'm talking about. And that's okay. I don't like you anyway, so whatevs.) I realize the notion of a fourth Kardash sis would be majorly world altering for all reality TV aficionados. Trust me, I'd be shocked, too. I'm certainly happy to keep watching Kim, Kourtney and Khloe get into all kinds of hysterical situations on E!. Truly, I am. However, I would fuck some bitches up if I found out there was a "secret fourth Kardashian sister" that somehow came out of hiding and wound up on the show. All I'm saying is, that could be me. I know what you're thinking- that my ass isn't nearly round enough and my makeup is too light. All fixable problems, people!!! This could be the major plot point of next season! We can even do a special- "E! True Hollywood Story: The Forgotten Kardashian Sister." Let me sell you on this.

5. I Already Know All Their Katch Phrases- So Kim, Kourt and Khlo aren't quite as quotable as Rachel Zoe, but they do have their random shit they repeat over and over again- and I know it all. "Ugh, that is so rude" is my favorite. I use it all the time and most people don't realize I'm making a KUWTK reference. STEALTH! Other notables are using "Bible!" instead of promise, saying "get over yourself!" to anyone and everyone, telling people they are "like seriously SO annoying" and "I, like, can't even handle you right now." Basically just getting upset a lot and saying hyperbolic shit.

4. I Could Easily Switch My Name from Carmen to Karmen- Like, if that isn't a sign, I don't know what is!!!! I'm totally okay with completely eliminating the letter "C" from my life. "Hi, guys. My name is Karmen and I kan't wait to finally be on kamera this season with my new family on Keeping Up With The Kardashians! I love kandy and koke products!" See? I'm a natural. For the rest of this piece, I'm only using k's for hard c's. WATCH ME!

3. I Look Alright In Leopard Print- I mean, I'm pretty sure the Kardashians are in leopard print more often than not. I'd say they spend their lives in leopard print at least 78% of the time, and the rest is a rotation of Herve Leger dresses and maxi dresses. Like, I look okay in leopard. Enough to blend in with the other three, but not good enough to dethrone them from their Queens of Leopard Print status. That's all we want in friends and family, right? People who look good, but not good enough to make us look like shit?... No? WHY DID MY PARENTS TELL ME NOT TO HANG OUT WITH UGGOS THEN?!?! (JK my parents are amazing and totally wouldn't kall people uggos. They just kalled them ugly.) (Okay, kidding again.)

2. I Kan Kreate All Kinds of Drama- Now that KUWTK is in its seventh season, they're starting to hurt for story lines. Drama doesn't just invent itself, guys. Someone needs to be there, kreating it. Before, it was Scott Disick (who should really change his name to Skott Disikk) kausing all kinds of drama dramz by drinking too much and saying offensive shit. Then it was Khloe's last minute wedding. Then it was Kim's BS wedding. Now what do they have? Bupkis. Tell ya what they need- a drama starter! I'll fake a pregnancy, kontemplate a boob job (before backing out bekause of the dangers), date a bad boy who Kris doesn't like, and maybe even try to make out with Rob, kausing friktion between the family. I'd save the damn show and keep it going for another seven seasons!

1. Bekause I'm Not Good At Anything Else- Pity party of one, plz! Kidding, of course. I'm just saying that, of all the things I'm really good at, watching reality TV is pretty high up there on the list. I mean, if that was a profession in and of itself, I'd be chomping at the bit. But unfortunately, even in the year 2012, we have yet to kreate a job out of sitting on your ass, watching Bravo and E!. Disappointing, I know. While I certainly am not bound for reality TV superstardom on my own, I am completely willing to hitch my wagon to the Kardashian star. I already know how each episode needs to ebb and flow. I know that someone has to say at least one offensive and one stupid thing per episode. I know that you have to go out to lunch to "talk things out" but leave in a huff, super offended, not even bothering to pay the bill. I know "family dinners" are just an exkuse to make fun of Kris and Bruce. I've got plenty of ammunition! Kris' inability to accept her age, Kris' uncontrollable bladder, Bruce's hair, Bruce's earrings, Bruce's existence. YOU GUYS, I'LL FIT RIGHT IN!

All I'm saying is, if we kan work this long lost sister angle, I think I'm a shoe-in. I'd also be willing to sub in as their driver and/or maid. I'm Mexican No one will notice. Someone start making some phone calls. Let's make this happen.


29 comments:

  1. LMAO! Love this post.

    I don't understand why people hate them so much either. They aren't any different than any other celebrity family on tv...well, they have better style, they're funny and I would lick the sweat of Rob's neck ( not really...but really)

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    1. Thank you, girl!! I'm with you on the Rob thing. It's pathetic how much I love him.

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  2. Bahaha I LOVE this! So cute and so true.

    xo Shane

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  3. I totally agree. What those Kardashians don't know quite yet is that they NEED you to help keep the family business going. You need to call Seacrest and pitch your well-thought out plan -- I'm pretty sure he'd be open to it. ;)

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    1. THANK YOU. You SO get it. They need me as much as I need them!! hahaha

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  4. BAHAHA this post is awesome!

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  5. Wow. I almost completely believed that you were are Kardash by the end of this post ;]

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  6. This post made my day!!!

    {Happy with Sprinkles}
    -brigitte
    http://ohhemgeeboutique.blogspot.com/

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  7. You never fail to make me laugh, Carmen, erm, I mean Karmen :)

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  8. I loved this post, you are extremely funny! X

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  9. Bahhah this is absolutely fantastic. I'm OBSESSED with the Kardashians to, so I was literally smiling the entire time I read this. I agree, you should totally be the fourth kardashian! Haha, great post :)

    -Jessica (Sew In Love)

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    1. Thank you!! And happy to know that I'm not the only one totally insanely obsessed over the Kardashian Klan haha

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  10. Haha! Love this post! So funny!

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  11. Ohmiigosh! Ohmiigosh! This is hilarious! We spent Thursday afternoon brainstorming our office reality show for that fateful day one of us bumps into Ryan S and let's just there'd be a lot of drama. Pregnancy, divorce lesbian affairs...

    Good luck Karmen!
    Love from Jo'burg

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    1. Hi Carmen.

      I just wanted to let you know that I found you and I adore your blog, attitude, and interests. I think too often people blurk (blog + lurk) and don't comment when they want to... I wanna change that!

      I also wanted to let you know that I featured you on my list of challengers, changers, and champions.
      Keep up the good work. You are a positive and gorgeous force on the internet.

      Jes

      www.themilitantbaker.com

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    2. OMG thank you, Jes!!! You are so sweet! I'm totally guilty of blurking. I'm working on it though!

      xoxo

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    3. Hahaha if I ran into Ryan Seacrest, I would tie him up and force him to put me on KUWTK. SRSLY. Although your office drama sounds quite interesting :)

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  12. The Kardashians are so great. You are so great. Kall them up and make it happen.

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  13. i love you. and i've said it before, i'll say it again.. YOURE HILARIOUS. i love the kardashians and i secretly wanna be one too :)

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    1. GURL. Let's call up Seacrest. You can be my half sister, and we'll rationalize that that means you're quarter sisters with the Kardashians. I mean, they'd probably buy it hahaha

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  14. You're a natural, Karmen! Those Kardashians don't know what they're missing. This post made my day! And I think I'm inlove with you. Hahaha! :)

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    1. Awww! Thank you, love!!! Happy to pep up your day, especially if it's with an insane Kardashian stalker post hahaha

      xoxo

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  15. Haha - the best post I've read in a long time. I'm pretty sure I love the Kardashian sisters as much as you (Kourt is my fave) and you've basically got me convinced about being their forgotten sister!
    Great blog :)

    Sarah
    smalltowncatwalk.blogspot.ca

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  16. What an awesome post! I (not so) secretly love the Kardashians and don't get why everybody hates them, I actually did a post about them myself a couple of months ago, only not so hilarious as yours!
    - Bianca
    http://bouquetofbee.blogspot.com.au

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  17. ahahaaa you are SO hilarious, i love this post!!

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  18. This was the best thing I have read in a really long time. Laughed so hard :)
    -AW

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  19. Hahha. I will be laughing over this forever. Seriously though, change your name to Karmen.

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