Friday, September 21, 2012

An Open Letter To Amanda Bynes

Let's talk. I would like to start out by first reminding you of how long we've been friends {in my head.} I've been with you, rooting for you, stalking you, quoting you, wishing I had hair like you and generally obsessing over you since your debut on All That. I used to imitate your "Dear Ashely" skit pretty much all the time. I think that's why my parents thought I had anger issues growing up. But irregardless, my love for you was always true, from day one. And I was there for the invention of The Amanda Show. {Which is to say, I was sitting on my couch, being all like "OMG I LOVE HER!"} And then, the world was bequeathed a beautiful gift: What I Like About You. A show that combined both the zaniness of your character, Holly, with the uptight nature of Jennie Garth's character, Val. It was a truly magical combination. And then, jeez oh man... What A Girl Wants, which was quickly followed by She's The Man, in which we finally got to see you dressed in drag. Like, how did the world get so lucky? Things were really in an upswing when you booked the role of Penny in Hairspray. I totally thought that was the beginning of huge things for you. Oh how it should have been... I even had super high hopes after seeing you in Easy A. It was such a spring board for Emma Stone's career. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN YOU!!! Where did you go wrong, girl? Where the hell did we go wrong? Now you're no longer making headlines for your works as a talented actress, but rather your inability to behave like a normal member of society. I can't say I'm surprised, but damn it if I'm not disappointed.

I mean, really let's be honest with ourselves here. We were screwed from the get go. Even though it's easy to forget because of your staggering success as a very mature and well rounded actress as an adult, you were actually a child star. You got into this business at a very young age- even younger than Britney. We all remember how crazy she went a few years back, don't we? {It's easy to forget, now that she's all Paula Abdul-ing it up with Simon Cowell on The X Factor.} Well, according to your respective Wikipedia pages, Britney got into showbiz at the ripe young age of 11, while you, my love, dove into entertaining the masses at the age of 7. WHOA. When I was 7, I'm pretty sure I wasn't even speaking in complete sentences. {Now, watch as I use my highly intelligent, ironclad logic to prove that none of this was your fault.} We've all heard about the very real and very painful Child Actor Syndrome. From Gary Coleman and Dana Plato to Jodie Sweetin- it's tough to make it as an adult in the real world post child acting success. Since you got into show business at a far younger age than our dear Brit Brit, it stands to reason that you are slated to take an even steeper nosedive into insanity than she did. Am I right or am I right? I mean, you could inevitably sink to Gary Coleman status, as he's been acting since he was 6! We should have seen this coming, girl. You didn't stand a chance. Once a child actor, always a child actor. You were really just set up for failure. Can we just agree to blame your parents on this one? 100%, right?

Okay, so obviously you are blameless in this situation and are totally just a victim to society and Hollywood and all of that stuff. We can agree on that much, for totes. But, like, where do we go from here? I won't sit idly by and watch you destroy your life and this beautiful career you've built. I guess, the most I, as your best friend, can do, is stand by your side and support you through this difficult time. I mean, I just have a feeling things are going to get worse before they get better. I just have a fifth sense about these things. I'm going to be your BFF, no matter what happens. I promise you that.

But also, like, girl- you gotta stop driving. Right now. Just stop. You need to go somewhere? Call me up. I'll give you a ride. Or better yet- there's this service, I don't know if you've heard of it- it's super state of the art and new and cutting edge and stuff. It's called a taxi, otherwise known as a cab, or maybe even a taxicab. What these phenomenal things do is they come pick you up and drive you to wherever you need to go. CRAZY, RIGHT?! I know! So you call a taxi, they take you to where you need to go, and you give them a few bucks. Easy enough. I mean, I'm really surprised you haven't heard of a taxi yet. I mean, they have definitely been around for a minute, even though the idea sounds like crazy revolutionary. But girl, I know sometimes, being a celebrity and all, how you get sheltered from the real world. It's okay. I got you on this. So yeah, if I'm not available to drive you to Del Taco or wherever you might need to go on any given night, just call yourself a taxi, and they'll help you fulfill your Mexican food dreams. The most important thing you can do right now is not drive. I mean, you do you and everything, but also... Just, like, try not to drive. I know it's fun and stuff- the wind in your hair, jammin' out to our girl Brit Brit on the radio, drinkin' smoothies and just all around living the life. Trust me, I get it. But you're going to have to trust me on this one- your life will be infinitely better and people will stop calling you cray cray if you just stop driving. And also stop behaving erratically. But again, you do you.

Love you forever and ever because I know you get me like I get you.

xo! Carmen


  1. I love you, woman. You are the humour I need in each day.

  2. Lmao. I was obsessed with her. and What I like About You was on repeat all last year and oh boy. Then I see a post about her yesterday about how crazy she is now and how she's going all Joaquin Pheonix on the world and its upsetting. What the crap Amanda.

  3. I LOVED What I Like About You! I've been following her since All That too so even during all this crazy crap, I still love her. I think she's just going through her wild attention-wanting stage right now. I don't understand why she doesn't hire a driver either. Then she can smoke all the weed she wants in the back.

  4. I'm still pissed that they won't release more seasons of What I Like About You on DVD. Team Amanda!

  5. amazeballs. haha. She's the Man is one of my alltime faves. That's when my love affair with Channing started.

  6. Oh my God, you are amazing.
    I loved Dear Ashley. I can't even tell you how much I laughed as a little boy. It's upsetting that she's making headlines for acting like Lindsey. I think they both need some help and they can make a come back.

  7. Awww why does she have to be all crazy now?? I loved her too!
    And PS You're hilarious <3
    xo Heather

  8. Amanda is so lucky to have you. Seriously. You are such an amazing friend to her. I only hope you're able to get through to her.

  9. best thing ever. this is hilarious. i hope she reads it!


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