Tuesday, October 16, 2012

He Texted. {AKA The Most Hilarious/Depressing Website EVER }

Guys, sometimes the Internet is really great. It gives us things like LOLCATS and Tyra Banks GIFs. More often than not, I think the Internet has topped itself out. Gotten so great that it can't possibly get any better. Well, I have, once again, been proven wrong by the Internet. I recently discovered a website so spectacular, so triumphant, so magnificently awesome that I can't believe it's even real. I give to you: He Texted. This website is essentially just girls posting photos of texts dudes have sent them, and then other girls (and hopefully sassy gay men) vote on how they think the dude feels about the girl. Either "He's Into You" "He's Not Into You" or "Verdict Is Still Out." Guys, we all know relationships are best when exploited and shared on the Internet. Amirite or amirite? And we all know that the easiest way to figure out how a dude feels about you isn't by talking to him directly, but by asking anonymous people on the interwebs about it. I mean, it's not rocket science, people! That's just how relationships work! Everyone knows it.

For a few good laughs, hit up HeTexted.com. Possible side effects of visiting this website: sadness about the current state of humanity, a strengthened belief that sometimes men are douchebags, an extreme worry that feminism is dead, and explosive vomiting. Eh, all in a day.

Here are some of my absolute favorites. Guys, these people are real. They exist. They have parents and probably some friends. And they text these things. To other people who are real and exist and have parents and probably some friends. This is the world we live in. I've taken the liberty of responding to each tragedy individually. Join me in my adventure:



And now we can all just become lesbians. Dudes, this website just basically makes you all look like absolute garbage. And ladies, this website makes us look like the most desperate love mongers that have ever walked the Earth. We'll take anything, apparently. Illiterate men. Men who have zero interest in us. Gay men. Really, there's no bar for how low we'll go, apparently. As a woman who across the board loves all gay men more than any and all straight men, I barely have room to talk. But you have to know that you're barking up the wrong tree! And as for the other two ladies above- my bitches, we have to demand a little better out of the men we're dating/stalking/hooking up with/randomly making out with at bars. And I don't say this as a girl in a relationship, I say this as a girl who has been there and done that. I've made more dude mistakes than probably anyone I know- but I kept that shit under wraps in the privacy of my cell phone! I didn't share my pathetic nature with the world because I knew it was shameful. This website rips away that anonymity and allows girls to falsely believe that they need other people's opinions to decide if a dude likes them or not. Granted, it's entertaining and gave me TONS of LOLZ. But it's also super sad and depressing. I wish I could just sit these girls down and explain to them the way dudes work.

I think Justin Long in He's Just Not That Into You said it best when he said, "So trust me when I say if a guy is treating you like he doesn't give a shit, he genuinely doesn't give a shit. No exceptions." {Granted, there are actually exceptions. But they're rare.} Truth is, deep down, most girls probably know how dudes feel in situations like these. When it comes to guys- you just have to take pause and think about how he makes you feel: Does he seem genuinely interested? Does he act like he actually likes you? Does he treat you like shit? Is he actually more interested in your brother? A little self-analysis and reflection never hurt anybody. Eventually, you will find a stand up dude who actually cares about you and will genuinely listen as you complain about what a complete deranged psycho Teresa Giudice is from The Real Housewives of New Jersey. And for the love of God, girls, stop obsessing over his use of emoticons! {Although winky face TOTES means he wants to bang... Or he's gay. One of the two. Never anything else.}

This website is equally awful and awesome. As a girl, I'm horrified at the shit these girls are putting up with. As a human, I'm wonderfully entertained by this shit. I mean, come on. Who wouldn't be?

PS- Please don't read this and get super offended or anything. Take it in the lighthearted spirit in which it was intended. I love my girls, my gays and even my asshole dudes. Pretty much all humans. But I especially love the ones who can laugh at themselves and don't take life too seriously :)

xo. Carmen

20 comments:

  1. LOL. Okay but that last one HAS to be fake. Brushing his cat? Met him at a poetry reading? It just seems a little too *out there* to be believable. I find a lot of those sites get fake submissions just to make it onto the homepage or whatever. Hilarious nonetheless thanks for sharing :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahaha you're so right! That didn't even occur to me. That kind of renews my faith in humanity a little bit. It's no longer the most pathetic girl ever- it's a hilarious idea & totally intentionally ridiculous.

      Delete
  2. Bahahahaha. This post is so fantastic. I'm looking at the site now too. Ridiculous.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Right?! Just when you think you've seen the most ridiculous thing the internet has to offer...

      Delete
  3. ahahahaha that last one. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. How is that now blatantly obvious to her?! Anyway, off to check out the site now.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Gah this is so funny! I've needed a reality check too recently...sometimes you need to sit down and realize these things!!! Ugh, needed this post to the max. Bless you.
    -Z
    sometimesztakespictures.wordpress.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahaha happy to help! It's easy to let dudes be douche bags. But sometimes you just have to demand better :)

      xo

      Delete
  5. I love you...you are the shit.

    Christen
    http://www.anunordinaryhello.com

    ReplyDelete
  6. Bahahaaaaa I can't EVEN. Sadsad day for people who post that shit online. This is amazing. Also, the last one? REALLY?! Girl needs a gaydar check, stat.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. IIIII KNOW!!! Highly embarrassing.... And highly hilarious.

      Delete
  7. Ohhh my goodness. Hilarious? But also makes us women look completely horrible....
    xo Heather
    http://ahopelessnotebook.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  8. Oh MY GOD! Thanks so much for sharing this site with us.
    xo Emilie @ Hungry Delights

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh my god. This makes me so happy that Ryan and I have barely ever texted (unless it's like, I'll meet you in five minutes or pick up some bacon on the way home). I do NOT miss the days of analyzing the secret meaning of an emoticon.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I'm so happy you shared this.
    I just read one that said "Can I ask you one question, why did you give me that bag of skittles"...

    lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hahahahaha that's awesome. My text would be more like "HAY THANKS FOR THE BAG OF SKITTLES!!!!! LET'S GET MARRIED!"

      Delete
  11. Hahahahaha, thank you for showing me this and thank you for wasting my entire friday evening as now I am going to make myself a tea and read this for hours on end. You are awesome Carmen.

    PS: Why are people such bad spellers whilst texting? Hello, autocorrect!

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for taking the time to comment! It's lovely hearing from you :)